How My Mother Found Out About Us.

 It was a rocky relationship between them from the beginning but they always stuck along together quite firmly. While raising me and my brother, mother was the one fulfilling all our wishes first hand while father worked mostly in the background. Father had the last say in the house and his one stare was grevious enough to control all of us. 

My brother and I were brought up rather differently compared to every other cousin in the entire family. From very little age we were given responsibilities and were expected to work our butts off. 

While other kids enjoyed their afternoons and Sundays we would end up doing chores around the house. Washing car, cleaning the compound, doing vegetable gardening, chopping wood, and these chores were quite hard labour. No, I am not complaining. No, it was not like some child-abuse but yeah obviously we did not like it as much. Even though we had fights in the house fastforward to teenage years we all shared a special bond. 

My mother saw Karthiks' messages on my phone when we started dating 8 years back. It was early morning of school day my mother being the way she is, she maintained her calm. The years of dealing with students in classroom and my dad at home(lol) built optimal patience in my mum. How she handled the situation that day made a huge impact in my life and I think every parent should learn from her. 

My mum did not yell at me, she never screamed, she did not snatch my phone or lock me in my room. The same afternoon she sat across the porch and asked me quietly, "who is Karthik"? I was already scared and my weird self usually smiles or laughs when I am stressed. I smiled like a fool and replied, "it's a guy I have been talking to". Then she asked, "is he from school"? I said, "No". She asked, "is he from Labasa" answer was No. Is he from Fiji, answer again no. That's when my aunts vehicle pulls over infront of our house and she tells me okay we shall talk more about it. My mother respected my privacy and gained alot more of my trust and made me more comfortable to open up to her. She could have continued asking and told my aunt whom she was extremely close to but she did not. She respected the confidentiality between me and her even if I was only 16 years old and it would be very worrysome to every parent. 

Once alone then she asked me again and I explained her everything. She gave me a very detailed explanation of cyber bullying, threats and all dangers and made sure I understood how she trusts me and how I got to trust her back.  That was one of the days that I specially bonded with my mother. The special connection that I felt with her that she created in my heart. I knew I had found a friend in my mother. Education, hardwork, dedication has been given prime importance in our family and my mothers deal was that I was suppose to study a lot more and do a lot better in school if I wanted to continue my "fling". She monitored my studying time, computer time and I was allowed to use facebook on Friday, Saturday and Sunday since fancy data plans weren't a thing then. For whole year or 2 she monitored every exam even. Made sure I had scored wonderfully and I was determined to maintain her pride and trust in me. I had always had quite strong personality and my then 16 year old brains way of thinking was that "no boy can make me become poor in my school work. No boy controls how smart I am and this nice boy shouldnt be blamed if I ever lag behind in school work". Hence, the journey of being more hardworking, dedication and time management started in my student-life. 

Things would have turned out a lot different if she chose to react aggressively. I might have rebelled just because that's how teenagers usually react when told sternly not to do something and most importantly I would have never told her my deepest secrets. Yes she was somewhat relieved that the guy is not close to us in person and probably thought it wouldnt last long. But LOL who knew that we were destined to be together. Also till today I have never hidden anything from my mother or even lied to her. We have our good and bad days but she had already made her place really high in my life. 

What will others say? Opinions- does it really matter?

My dearest reader, hope you are doing well. Break a smile before you read today's blog. 

Not everyone is marshmallow- heart like me. People also have thick skin and others opinions do not really matter to them. This one is for those who have hard exterior but are soft on the insides. Especially when it's to do with others opinions. 

We are all humans with enough capacity to have opinions. The fact is that it is totally normal to have an opinion about everything around you. It may be right or it may be wrong because opinions are merely a view or judgement of a person which is not necessarily based on a fact or knowledge. 

Certain things I write here are also my opinion. People may agree or may not. It is completely based on each individuals perception on every aspect. Be it dressing, eating, body type, religion, education, money, lifestyle or anything. Either with or without someone's opinion life goes on. 

What matters is how your opinion has an impact on someone else. Tongue has no blades, tongue is not made of bones but it can generate words that can break someones heart, it can break someones esteem. 

Everyone is on a journey. Some are moving forward and get results!! bam!bam!bam!!

But there are alot of us caught up with just trying to survive and keeping our heads over water. It does not mean we are not trying. It simply means our journey has more humps. Everyone has separate sets of priorities. 

Now just as I have an opinion about something else I also have an opinion about myself. This is one of the important things we have which decides our basic mindset. It decides how we basically feel about ourselves. We come across hundereds of people everyday, now does every opinion matter? Of course it does not but what we feel about ourselves projects on how we appear to everyone around us. 

The day I say I feel ugly, I actually may look as such as well. This ugly is the negative energy that I would emit to people around me. Now obviously someone cannot be happy around the clock and we dont have to. This is where the opinion of people important to us matters. A few kind words of kindness can have such an impact on someones mood and day. No one feels great on daily basis. No one has their life all figured and in this global pandemic most of us are struggling. 

Away from a loved one, lost a loved one, out of job. I am away from my partner and will meet later than planned but there is someone who lost their loved one. Someone maybe out of job while someone has lost their dream house. Some don't even have enough grocery while someone has no food at all. Someone has food, water, money clothing and everything but have a mental war going on in their minds- depression/bipolar/schizophrenic. 

From today the least important thing in our lives should be another persons opinion. Words and people who surround us and help us grow and makes us better people are who matters the most. Its isnt necessary we need another person for this as well. We can be our own cheer squad because yet again everyone around you be it a baby or an old grandma they are all on their own journeys. It is extremely easy to recognize the unhealthy/toxic opinions. Basically those ones that just makes you feel awful. You know yourself well. You know how much you are trying, how much you're working hard. You know your journey and how much heart and soul you've poured into creating a lifestyle. If someone says a word that would strike on your self respect, your morale and self esteem then recognize it as toxic. 

• You're not good
• You shouldn't even try
• You can't do it
• You won't be able to do it 
• You look bad 
• Pig/cow/buffalo/whale/tank/drum 
• No, not you. 
• You're not good enough

There's so many more things that can be added to it. Once we have recognized these in its context as unhealthy it is good to talk about it to someone close to you, or have a journel and write about it. If you are not good with words then just lay out all the facts about yourself. You will soon see that the opinion of someone else does not really matter. Example; if you do work hard and study and one day on phone your dad says, you are so lazy. 

Lay out the fact--> you have been studying 5 hours daily--> now this opinion was completely baseless and toxic even it's from a family member. It would feel good to confront people trying to prove them wrong but if we show little bit of patience imagine how amazing it would feel when you slap them(metaphorically) with your results. 

Like the famous quote states, "work hard in silence and let your results make the noise". 

I know its hard but it isn't impossible. It's a lifestyle change to help our mental health, to help us grow as a person who fulfills their ambitions. 

Our ambitions are substantially more valuable than a cheap opinion. 

Don't let that two seconds of opinion from any toxic relationship or a toxic human ruin what you have been working on from weeks/months/years. No one has a radar around you to see what you do 24/7. Only you know what you have been up to. Hence, only your evaluation about your ownself matters. Others do not know your path but you do. You know what you are and you know your self worth. You know what you have and what you lack. You know your abilities. You are NOT weak if you acknowledge your weaknesses. Because just like our immune system, before removing any pathogen it has to first RECOGNIZE THEM. Keep grinding and keep smiling! You and I can do whatever we put our mind and heart to. 

Our First Meetup Part 2!!!

Grazing into the eyes we looked at each other for very first time. I had never felt such love. Like a new couple who just started a relationship although we were already dating for 5 years. It was a phenomenal moment that we experienced and reserved in our memories forever. 

In this perfect moment now I must tell everyone who is reading. I am from a tropical country which is humid and warm, therefore, being exposed to the winter of America and sitting for long hours of flight under chilly air-condtioners does not really help my skin and scalp(no I dont have kanikani). Although, I am going to guess after seeing my face the second thing my bae noticed was my dandruff. *ugh* 

But he just hugged me tighter and we walked in that hug to get my luggage. I touched his face and booped his nose couple of times and first thing that comes out of my mouth were "you're real". We got our first picture snapped by an amazing lady and i called home immediately. Least to say my parents were relieved of my safe arrival and they went back to sleep as it was late night in Fiji. While hugging me he takes out a big winter jacket that he was holding(I never noticed because all I was doing was looking at his face). Covering me with big jackets and gloves and bennie- all prepared for the winter. 

Now since it was the very first time we were meeting Karthik truly tried his best to make me comfortable. Therefore he brings a girl, Shweta from his group of friends and his that time flatmate, Praveen who drove Karthik to airport in his car. Although, really excited to meet me these friends waited for me outside the airport so they don't make me nervous altogether. It may be trivial for many but I have social anxiety and meeting new people is simply tough for me. This tinest act made me feel more comfortable. Also the presence of a lady-friend was the so thoughtful of bae.

As we reach home the girls stay with me through the first night and they cook me food- Potato Paratha. Everyone completely mesmerized by how we met and wanting to know more about our love they ask me alot of questions about our relationship. Everyone tried their best to make me feel comfortable, talking in English all the time so I could understand them, making sure I was comfortable. To be honest it was the minor unplanned actions that made me feel safe. 

Then it was the first of everything that followed; 

First movie, first date, first dance. Our first trip to Tennessee in beautiful cabins that are scattered through the rainforest. Our first movie date, first farts(lol), first arguement in person(completely baseless fight which lasted for a minute or less), our first Christmas, our first new years, our first celebration of my birthday together, first grocery shopping together, first dress shopping and my favorite was his first hand experience of dealing with me while I dealt with my menstrual cramps(they're tiny monsters in disguise) 

Touring through New York city, going through hundreds of floor of empire state building from where we could see the statue of liberty. The entire city of NYC boundless, glowing with lights! With no end to it. Fascinating view where ever I looked. Then later we went to see the statue of liberty up close, seeing the memorial of twin towers. Karthik had already been to these places so he was basically me tour guide who told me about tiny little facts about each place. Everything I saw and experienced in that 1 month promised one thing- we belonged together. 

It was the kindest acts of holding doors for me, cooking for me, taking care of me when I caught flu or had cramps. Also living with me is hard because everyone who knows me will pass me as most annoying and pain in their bums(I like to think I am very pleasant). Karthik survived the 1 month then when we met for second time-the quite long 3 months together. We knew that we had found and finally met our "the one". 

Visit to the statue of Liberty 

View from empire state building 

Picture taken on street of New York City(you got to pay them for posing lol) 

The First Meetup

We have had it all; great days and bad. Isnt that part of every relationship. We are somewhat different because we can't hug after saying sorry. We don't come back home after a tough day and have the other to cling to. 

Its something we yearn to have. 8 years almost 9 and everyday we plan our lives together but we aren't together in the literal manner yet. 

Yes, it's hard for us but we chose it. We would choose it over and over again without any second thought. I flew on the 30th of November 2017. My heart pounding out of my chest. Excitement, nervousness mixed up together into a soup of emotions. 

Being so deeply involved emotionally with a person over PHONE!!! We were finally meeting in person. What if its awkward? What are we going to say to each other? What if he doesn't like how I look, or how i sound? What if he looks or has different demeanor in person? There were thousands of questions but the fear of him being unreal was never there. 

Having my parents say bye to me at the airport I never thought of the amount of emotional pressure I was putting them through. My brother contacting me every minute to find how was I doing. They all controlled their emotions in that moment and showed me what I wanted to see. To see that they were okay with me taking this plunge of faith. Till to date I would never understand how they did it but they did and that one act of faith towards our love that they showed will make us bow to them no matter what. 

Karthik kept my parents informed of every move my flight made. Every minute of my journey he kept them assured I was safe. Getting off at LAX. The vastness of that airport; i would never forget. Probably bigger than my entire island. People every where. I had never gone out of my country and when I did it was to the United States of America! Everything was new and so humongous. I had only seen so many planes in movies and pictures. Beyond my imagination. Asking my way around and contacting my family as soon as I landed I made my way to the second gate. The plane that took me from LAX, Los Angeles to SFO, San Francisco. That was just an hour or 2 long. Now it was time for my flight to Boston. It was already night. I was getting more and more nervous. In a new country, i was going to finally meet the love of my life. The person i want to spend the rest of my life with. It's an inexplicable feeling. 

It was almost time for the descend to start so I went to the bathroom and brushed, fixed my hair and tried to look better, I guess. Once the descend started my heart rate went up. The landing at the Boston Logan Airport was phenomenal. As the plane approached the glowing Boston Harbour; the airline skimming over the Atlantic ocean making a smooth landing on the ground.

I see him standing right there with bouquets of flowers in hand. I recognized him immediately and leaving all my luggage behind I just ran towards him. Hiding half my face and I am still not sure if he saw my face up until we hugged. Oh that warmest hug, the feeling that I belonged here. My heart knew I had found my home away from home. 

(Photo taken when we first met- 30th November taken by a caucasian lady who witnessed us meeting and was in awe and offered to take our picture. I left Fiji on 30th November and as the time difference is there I reached Boston at 5.43am 30th November 2017) 

Lets talk about our bodies- body positivity, wearing right clothes.

 

I have stretch marks on my shoulders, belly(yes the same marks that ladies usually get post childbirth), and numerous other places of my body. Darkened skin tone at creases. I still have my saddlebags(the disproportionate fat on either sides of my outer thigh-3rd slide).

When it comes to stretchmarks there is no escaping them. I read it on a post of an influencer "I am a tigress who has these stripes(stretchmarks)." Stretchmarks represent how my amazing body went through different stages of growing another human inside me or bearing the torture when I ate mindlessly. It represents how my body is now healing after my own war. I am a tigress and I am proud of my battle stripe. To be made conscious of stretchmarks is like devaluing your victory of childbirth or weightloss. Go wear those tanktops and show your stripes off. 

Although when it comes to the disproportionate fats, the stares at my saddlebags usually made me wear longer blouses so I could hide them. It has always been looked at like a "defect". I had a primary school kid point at them and say,"my friends and I are wondering what were those beside your hips. Did you place something huge in your pockets that caused the bulge". 

I've walked past numerous people who would look back after passing by me just to get second look at my "side bulges". I had actually genetically inherited this phenotype from my grandmother and I downright disliked them no matter what. As I grew bigger putting on more and more weight my shape went from pear to these saddlebag which has the most stubborn fat. 

(Picture of me taken by my friend to show me that I've actually become small and all I could see were those saddlebags. Picture taken 6th July, 2020)  

But it did not stop me from wearing clothes that would show these off as you can already see in the picture above. This "flaunting" kind of backfired and just made my esteem drift away. My idea of body positivity was to flaunt these "flaws" to make others perceive it as normal. Did it help me positively you may ask and the answer is NO. It made me very conscious of the saddlebags because it had been stared at consistently. Then I started wearing clothes that would hide these, never wearing a blouse without sleeve as well because I became conscious of my arms. I chose to wear baggy t shirt to hide my fat. As time passed I got hold of clothes that started suiting my body type. Cute dresses worked better on me and I started dressing up differently. Everyone loves compliments and those little words just boosted my morale everyday! 

Basically what my point is being big is NOT a problem socially. Yes, there are health implications of being over and underweight but I wont talk about that. Being a big girl or the biggest girl in your class/family/community is NOT an issue but how you carry yourself matters. The type of clothes you choose to wear matters. A person with big belly fat shouldn't wear body-fitting blouse. It just does not suit. It makes others stare and it brings our esteem down. Same went for me. Jeans with crop top was a big NO!! NO!! because it would make me look downright hideous with my buldging saddlebags and big upper body. 

"If you want to wear such clothes you need to lose weight". A straightforward message from my partner who never had any issues with me being big. Yes, flaunt your body because you have a beautiful body. Although you have to flaunt it wisely! Choose the right types of clothes that "sits" well on your body. We big girls got to  work extra hard while choosing what we wear and how we carry ourselves. Just like makeups are used to hide blemishes of our face, we need right type of clothes to hide the blemishes of our body. "Look good to feel good"- when you choose the right type of clothes for your body type you give yourself the chance to build that self confidence. One of the worst type of feeling is when you walk down a street and your thighs are rubbing- we are done with those!!

Let's choose to carry ourselves with grace and beauty. You can walk in public with comfort and feel powerful. It's okay to hide those big arms or love handles but while hidden, work on them and make them disappear and then flaunt your body however you want to. Body positivity does not mean that you show off your love handles and then go back home depressed! It means self love, knowing you are beautiful despite having them and always working on them. 

Girls, all I gotta say is i am a living proof of you don't need to go to gym to lose weight. All you need is good nutrition, calorie deficit, carbohydrate intake control- I'll write more on it in my next blog. As for now, choose your clothes wisely!

(Pictures taken- 10th December 2020)

How I Started Loving my Long Distance Boyfriend

 It started out with just chatting online. Learning about each other. Like a best friend. Telling about how your day went, what you did, what you ate. The same questions reciprocate. Then the chats went up to calls. Now we were talking. Same questions, some deeper ones but nothing big. Me being a chatter box, him not so much. 

I was always talking and him usually listening and something happened. One day I come back from school to a long message of confession. I didn't feel the same way so I tried to turn it down. You'd find better girls than me. My point was "better looking" girls as at that time I was too self conscious to even look at my own self in the mirror. How could someone even like me without meeting me. Well like is fine but love. Tried to talk him out of it for days and weeks. 

Then decided we would be better as friends. I wouldn't want to lose a good friend because he "felt" he loved him. I thought it was a phase for him. But he had other things planned already. "I cant be your friend only. That's not what I planned. I love you with all my heart and that I cannot change. Be my lover or nothing at all is what he says one day". Thoughts run in my mind and I became selfish in that moment. 

You wanted a relationship and I didn't want to lose a friend. I've been scared of men all my life because of an incident happening to me as a child. Yet I thought you were thousands of miles away so what could go wrong anyway. I thought it wouldnt last so why not just be in it and see how things play out. Yes I didn't love you in that moment. Days passed, weeks came in. I enjoyed my best friends company everyday after school. Talking about my country learning about yours. We talked for hours until I fell asleep. 

You were crazy in love with me I could feel that. But still I couldn't feel the same in my heart and now it felt bad. It was like betraying my best friend into thinking I loved him yet I didn't. I tried to bring those feelings but those feeling cannot just come by magic. 

Let it be I decided, to not force this love on me. I started planning out how to tell you all this. Break your heart and forever you'd be gone. I would bear that but to cheat you, to fake the love was no longer in my plan. Night before we talked on the phone for hours yet again. We laughed and talked and I fell asleep like everytime. 

I wake up to you still there. I could hear little screeches. I tried hard to listen to some girls voice and for last time make myself convinced that all this wasnt real from your side too. Minutes passed but there was nothing. Then you picked the phone and I held my breath. I didn't want you to know that I was awake. Then I wondered why would it matter to me if there were some girl with you. Why did it bother me to a slightest bit. My mind racing with thoughts. Was I actually falling in love with someone I've never met. Then out of blue I hear you confess your love to me again. Not knowing I could hear you I knew your feelings were pure. It was not fake anymore. You never disguised what you felt. I felt my heart beating out of my chest. I have never felt what I was feeling that day. I let out my breath. 

And I let my guard down. 

RISK- HAVE TO TAKE IT!

Grazing through the stars for a brighter tomorrow we visualize to have 

Trying to turn things around yet falling behind in someway. 

Seeing the rest grow and become big. 

Bigger I will be is what you dream 

The plans are made, what to do, the dreams are there in its virtuality 

To execute it to follow through. How to do it is becoming a difficulty. 

To take the risk and plunge into fulfilling that dream 

Or to stay in safe zone of 8-5 desk because you have stomachs to fill

O how they say follow your dream and become what you aspire to be 

Yet they will also say; save money, have a family, you will be happy to live in mediocrity

What your heart wants, only you will know 

How much you want that burning desire, let that fire grow 

Dont listen to "them" its pulling you way back from your starting line

Use this regression as a sling, launch yourself, incarnate that dream of yours into a reality and roar like a lion.

Exams, Pre and Post.

Exams are tough. We all know that. It feels like a soul sucking few weeks of sleepless nights, fully caffeinated drinks and further struggle with remembering vast amount of information. And oh the palpitations that follow up. I honestly saw my blouse move at some point with my heart rate. Had to give myself vagal massage because I thought i was having an arrhythmia(SVT lol since that's that one which has vagal massage as #1 step). 

While in high school I felt that was the hardest thing ever. Lol. Then I entered medical school and the hell broke loose. 

Studying everyday, making notes, reviewing notes, trying to have a life. Even during the global pandemic my university was very prompt into starting the online classes which kept my a$$ on the chair from morning till sundown. 

Well with corona, my academic year got delayed by 1 month and every exam was basically jammed into the final weeks of school. This meant 7 different courses assignment, 7 different block end exam, 5 OSCE exam(which by the way got cancelled 2 days before and all time to prepare for it was almost a waste) and 7 final exam paper. I felt my brain getting squeezed out everytime I set for my papers. My chair has my a$$ print and bed is basically like a boat now since I sat every waking hour, which was 18-20 hours in a day. 

Post final exams when you sleep at night thinking yasss I'll sleep all the way till morning but your body and head isnt yet synced to the fact that you are done with exam so you basically end up awake at 3am. Wide awake, sharp and alert. 

With all the time at hand now. I guess I'll just start by cleaning my not so clean but not so filthy room. 

Never Too Late.

Pause 

It's okay 

Close your eyes 

Breath and feel your life running through your each nerve

You're worthy of every happiness 

Let the show begin.

Karthik❤

He holds your hand to cross every path every road

He hugs your heart with his words

Everything about him isnt so perfect 

But he is everything most imagine to have 

He listens to you when you feel shitty 

He makes you smile he makes you laugh as he's so witty 

He just holds you when you are feeling dreaded and down 

He is so warm and so calm and you let go off that frown 

He doesnt provide solutions for every little thing 

Although he knows when to toughen up and when let you melt down 

He is so wonderfully made for you

You start questioning how I got so lucky.

He helps you get up and restart your journey 

He listens as you tell your crumbling feelings 

He picks up every piece of you so gently 

He holds you in his heart with all genuinity

He is everything you could have wished for 

He is everything I could have wished for ❤

LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND

"When you want to move forward, You cannot keep looking backwards"-Joel Osteen.

People go through different situations everyday. Either a breakup or having bad day at office. Maybe getting a ticket for overspeeding. Sometimes holding a grudge against someone who said something in the past or broke your heart. Someone was bitter to you without any reason. 

What happened yesterday is already over. It's not in our control to change it anymore. We can feel sad about it, talk about it, be angry about it; but for how long?

 I am guilty of carrying things that happened to me years ago; a teacher called me obese infront of the whole class over 10 years back. Someone didnt invite me to their party few years back. Someone was rude to me. I have been carrying this baggage with me over years. A year ago a person I acknowledged as my friend used me for school resources only. 

If I start listing and if you start listing;  we could keep going on and on. This would make the time pass but was that time that passed worth it. What happened 10-20 years back is as same as a dead body. Digging it back up and dwelling into it over and over again as I drown in self-pity. Is it worth it? How is it making me a better person. How is it carving my future as a worthwhile human? 

Today I write here and declare that from now I will NOT talk about things that went wrong in past as an complaint but as a lesson. I will NOT look back at what went wrong and regret and feel pity. I will NOT try to justify, talk about and explain of things that happened 10 years or 10 days back that may have hurt me in some way. That was the past and I do not have the power to change it. 

Even if I shy away from understanding it I will not waste my energy looking back when I can project my same zeal towards my present and  future. Becoming a better person than I was yesterday. 

As Joel Osteen said,"have a funeral for what went wrong in the past. Bury it. If you dig up a dead body, it will stink and make your life and life of people around you unpleasant. 

Drop it, Leave it and Let it Go"!! 

I'll Be Okay!

I am thankful for the sky that covers me when I am down 

I am thankful for the sun that warms me when I am cold 

The wind that cools me when I am hot 

The provision I get to have a roof over my head 

To have food on my plate 

The power of confidence to move on everyday 

The strength in heart to do better everyday 

I may not get an attaboy on every corner of my journey 

I may not be tapped on shoulder for job well done 

That doesnt devalue things that i have achieved

The world can be cruel, the world can be happy place

Sometimes its evident in both ways 

I choose to be happy and peaceful in my heart and head.

If I have no hand to hold I shall hold my own hand and walk myself everyday 

Theres a lot of goodness in me that need enriching. 

I have thoughts in mind that maybe dark sometimes yet I know the power of light in my heart is alot brighter.

Single Parenting

On day 1 they fell in love
I say they but now it feels it was just her
By day 2 they had so much connection it felt so real so good to be true
She fell hard she fell crazy for him
By day hundredth she borne her baby girl
This part she always imagined differently hoping she already had the ring on her finger
There was no ring which didn't bother much
But he wasn't there too..

Her head has always had a blurry image of him
Standing far away.. so far she couldn't see his face, far enough she couldn't tell if it was actually him or it's just her illusion of him.
Days passed on..clock ticked by a man came in and went out of her life..
This man she thought he was but he was always a little boy.
The treasure the precious treasure she thought she and her little girl were to him now feels like they were just his toy

21 years of living but she nurtured her actual life for 9 months
Many many days of wandering around behind him
but today is different, today a little finger holds her hand spinning around with her behind him
She walked everyday being in a maze of darkness that she may find him
Saying no to his wishes never made her happy as she wished maybe something or other might make him like her a little more..

When she looked into his eyes she swears she found a good soul inside
Everyone might have said no but she was too adamant to deny it
She always believed she could mould him into the better one he always wanted to be
She always believed anything is possible if trying harder is the key.

She decided to give it her heart and soul
She decided to allow his right over her girl
She decided to move places.. even if it meant everyday she picked his shoes and sock
She decided to give in everything to make it work.
Her heart said nothing could be a better place for her girl to grow in than in his family..
She made her leave her family to be part of his

Mother is a word not accomplished by the labor and delivery
mother is not a word it is a duty they fulfilled
For her girl she carried the badge of a mother but her peii calmed octavia every night she was away
Her ratu fed Octavia bottle and waited for her to fall asleep every night after an overtime at work
Her maa her maa nurtured her girl everyday after she borne her..
Her tasa went till year 10 and was 19 when he bought his niece a pair of shoe that wont fit as her papa walked around with maa trying not to envy the love Octavia got..

Her girl has all the love of this world but somewhere she convinced herself that he might give her more..
She convinced herself that what Octavia had was not enough if he wasnt around
Somewhere in her heart she knew she wanted it to happen for her too..
Call it greed call it stupidity
For her it felt right it felt good and it felt fair and square..

She offered him chances and chances
She fell way below her self respect to uplift him
She got bruised and as her heart bled he said sorry
She believed her girl would change his heart and he would fall in love with them just as she fell in love with him
Until she started walking
She walked and she walked holding her 6 month old in her arms tight protectively
She walked few miles on road but she has walked a lot further from him
Now when she looks and he is still there far away where he was before where she couldn't recognize if it was really him..
Then she realizes he had never moved towards her
She always walked back and forth making herself convinced he was the one getting closer but he was just at one place, stationary.

A year back and 10 years from now she could have done the same over and over again just so he felt closer
But today she sees a little finger entangled with hers.. a little finger which she cannot let go
She always thought her world was him but today he was nothing..
Today as her baby hugs her thinking she is the last thing in her world
She hugs her baby back knowing that her baby and only her baby is her whole world..

Rising Domestic Violence During Covid-19

It went right across her face
She felt an immense rush of disgrace
It had been happening quite frequent now
She has to survive it everyday somehow

Run away! Move out! But where
To fight off and rebel but would she dare
Tangled up with her is her little one
Scared and screaming inside as her dad hits her mum

A monster! A gruesome monster she lives with
Worse than a beast
At any point, he swings his fist.
Forcing himself on her every day and night
There are children, little sweet children, killed because of this fight

You're in your home and you hear the screams
Shutting the drapes, locking your door
That monster is real for her what you may see in your dream
Dont turn a blind eye anymore
Dont just pray for it to go
Allow her shelter, report the matter, please dont wait.
Only we have the power to save her before it's too late

What is Beauty?

I've always made the habit of "rating" beauty according to how a woman attracts man physically and vise versa. I cannot believe how sexist, objective and downright insane my opinion had been from so many years until now.

Perfection has been made ideal beauty by mass media that influences millions across the globe. You have perfect dentures, hair, skin tone, body shape, nose, jawline, breasts, buttock, hip, muscles, HEIGHT!! Flawless armpits, hair only on head and no where else, nails done, fuller lips, bigger eyes.

My list could go on and on with one constant factor- PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.
There's so much natural beauty around the world that we all recognize except for one- Human beings.

So what is beauty?
I did a survey on my facebook and got numerous comments on beauty. Alot of people say- beauty is what's inside, the personality. It's so much easier to say so but do we practise what we preach? The ideology on beauty has become so superficial today that we all feel the urge to use filters/ makeups/ steroids.Like many I am also guilty of that. It's what attracts the eye. But when it comes to choosing a partner to spend the rest of your life, how long will the fading beauty have the power to be the foundation of your relationship?

Do I need peace to sleep or six packs!!!

For more clarity I searched the definition of "Beauty" on the internet which said " combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight" . I was baffled as to how a search engine like google which is used by millions fills up the page with pictures denoting "physical perfection". Cant beauty be a mother breastfeeding her child, cant beauty be a doctor treating a covid-19 patient, cant beauty be a dog sheltering her puppies..

We are forced to settle into the preconceived ideas of mass media about beauty. Then with time these ideas has now become our way of thinking and this must stop!! Changes comes from within and the ability to see beyond the superficial beauty is an art that most of us lack. But everything can be achieved if one has the will to try.

So if you think that physical beauty is what matters most- you're too superficial.

Start appreciating how you've been created. Your teeth may be crooked but do not give in to the society to make you think that it's not normal. You may have dark armpits, you may have dark inner thighs, stretch mark, not as tall as your friends. The physical appearance is something short-term and wouldn't take you too far in your journey to grow if other qualities that builds a persons personality isnt present. Hence to grow and develop as a person, as a partner, as a friend one has to go beyond physical appearance. Accepting yourself and moulding to become healthier physically, mentally and spiritually- then you'd discover the true and everlasting happiness and contentment from within.

Navneel Prasad- Labasa Fiji
"For me personally, I define beauty according to personality of a person..not by colour, height etc..
BUT, 80% or more go for physical appearance....
Bahut moti haye, bahut kariya ladkee haye, height mein thora chota haye ladka...etc...
Its all about perception of individuals.."

Evelyn Priya- Suva Fiji.
"Beauty in the real world is all about how you look physically..your skin colour..your height...your weight...your general appearance. At a first glance this is how people judge how beautiful one is. I have been body shamed quiet a number of times...being called fat...huge arms..my height doesn't match my weight and things like that. Overall the society accepts slim and trim as beauty with fair skin. There are very few people who actually look deeper than that."

Ashneel Prasad- Sydney Australia
To most people in this day and age, beauty is the physical appearance! I'm sure we all have been there and judged the book by its cover. If you dont agree with me your kidding yourself 🥱

To me "now" beauty is not what you look like or what you have achieved in life, Beauty is the legacy that you leave behind 🙏

Sandeep Niranjan- Suva, Fiji
"Being beautiful means to be loving of all. A quality we see less outside a person and more of within them."

Karthik Sette- MA, USA
"Beauty is a noun describing a person, place or object. So in a person beauty is his/her soul, in an object beauty is what it is made of, its architecture. If one goes for physical appearance they're looking for something temporary, they will always end up alone. If you want something for the rest of your life you have to go beyond the outer beauty"

One Step At a Time

If things weren't the way they are
When loved ones weren't so far
If life would have been written differently
If things weren't so ugly
Up to the destiny it is they say
Why does mine feel so wrong in every way
Good things do happen I won't say they dont
Sometimes good things happen at such bad time that it loses its goodness, they haunt.

I wish I cared less about it
But it's something so out of control
I wish I was caught right in middle, i don't want to fall
I have fallen so many times that the ground seems to be my friend
The ground helps me get up again, I realize it's Not yet the end.

My life painted on a huge canvas tells so many stories
Anticipating every chapter, hoping the end will bring in some glory
Why is it have to be me every single time
I would hunt for answers, I never even commited smallest crime
My own life has become a running picture in front of my eyes
I sometimes play a part in it, I feel just as an helpless observer sometimes.

I keep on walking the path, more exhausting it gets
I wonder how would it be when happiness is at every step.
I know one day will come for me just as it comes for everyone
Someday I will look back at my huddles thinking "dusted and done"
I do know if I dont find happiness at every step
It wont stop me from getting what I want to get

I know my chapters are harder than most, my chapters may drag along which I loath
My whole life is a book yet to be written
It's a matter of time I will suck out my happiness wherever it is hidden
Some memories I wish I could have captured
Missing some moments makes my heart injured.

I know some pain will never go away
But I am here not to give up I am here to stay
I've learnt presence is not the epitome of happiness
I've learnt laughing is not always real expression of happiness.
My happiness laid in little things that I've missed in life
But I will move on and on because this is not the end
This is my story I am willing to write.

I LOVE YOU❤Long Distance Relationship❤

Since the day I've held your hand
My heart knew I've found my man
We grew closer when there were miles between us
If only you were further enough that I could take a bus

Years passed not knowing when we could actually meet
With every passing day, we became each others heartbeat
Things usually did go wrong
Through dark and light, we shall always remain strong

Till today we dont know what our future actually holds
Yet I know for sure you're in every phase of my life as it unfolds
You're my strength to do better everyday
I am your courage to grow greater in every way

The kind of love we have can never fade away
Withstanding every hurdles coming our way
We shall hold hands and stand stronger than ever
One day, that happiest day of our life we will be together
And from that day onwards we will remain together forever.

PurpleUnicorn246 

Destroy your Inhibition.

Destroy the negativity
Consume last ounce of energy that surrounds you
Break out of the shell that encapsulates your growth

Observe,
You are far better than you think you are
Look into the eyes of that insecurity
Hold it, embrace it, step on it and move up your ladder

Every comment that frustrates you becomes a stepping stone
Let go of that growing anger.
Free your soul.
Give yourself that break you deserve, that laugh you deserve, that cry you deserve.
THAT LIFE YOU DESERVE

Design your best possible present
Destroy your inhibitions
Reach out,
That best possible life awaits you.

PurpleUnicorn246

EXAM TIME- HAVE 1 MONTH UNTIL EXAM DAY

Hi readers,

So all annual events are being postponed/cancelled but guess what's still on??!!! YES!! Exams. **feels heart palpitations**

My this blog is to help you out😀😀

Let's get right to it! As I have 1 month left from tomorrow to prepare for my exam, well its first time ever that I am home 24/7 during exam prep time.

There are tons of you tube videos that would tell us how to prepare for exam. Most of these guys overwhelm us because THEY'RE SOOOOOO PREPARED!!

Anyways, here are some tips for all those panicking like me right now.

1. Breath, there is still some time left. It’s easy to procrastinate but now fear is taking over.  We have to use the time that’s left very wisely. You must have used up all your time to watch movies and chill so time to give that up now and dedicate it to studying otherwise you’re screwed.

2. Arrange your notes- if you already have them ready- GREAT. If not, go to your moodle or check with your friends. Arrange all the subjects in order.
This gives you a sense of control.

3. Arrange your study area and clean your room. This provides a good vibe and you feel in control of your environment.



4. Get bunch of instrumental music so you don’t sing along and waste time and also block out the noise around you.

5. Uninstall those social media app even if you install again every night. If you have better control
then log out or you can use app control applications which locks 🔒 the application and you cannot
use it around a time frame that you choose.

6. Stop answering calls and chatting along. Say NO. Because there will be a lot of distraction like, hey let’s watch this movie kinda thing. Say NO 

7. Don’t be hungry while studying because that’s distraction!!!!!!! If you live alone, do a meal prep beforehand. Don’t waste time cooking everyday. Have healthy snacks at hand ALL THE TIME!!!

8. Acknowledge what you know and you don’t know. Usually we tend to forget how much we have to study and spend alottt of time on one thing. Make a list of things you don’t know and spend more time on that. Spend less time to review what you already know.


                  




                                                                                        



9. Use different methods of revision tools. If it’s memorizing use flash cards, if application then solve question. I’ll talk on studying tips in my next blog.

10. Keep changing your study area. One place can get too boring and you start hating it. So you can study harder subject on your study table while easier one on the couch. Ailso go outside, sit on the balcony- KEEP STUDYING!!! Even while on toilet **not joking**


11. Have a to-do list and cancel them off as you go along!! Soon you’ll tackle more then you thought ou could!!!

12. There’s no fixed time of studying. Either a night owl or morning person. Point is to get studying done!! So whenever you’re awake use your time. Also do not sleep more than 8 hours!!!! 

13. Start solving past years paper. Divide exam papers among your friend circle and answer together. DIVIDE AND CONQUER 

14. Stay healthy!!!!Drink alooot of water becaus it’s easy to get headache and feel sick. 

 

15. Workout, talk to someone, watch sermons and keep your spirit uplifted because you need every ounce of motivation to nail this exam. 

PurpleUnicorn246

Natures Annihilation

They've started walking guarded

Keeping afar from those unknown and those even known 

Some show pure humility and kindness 

Some ignorant and remain vile 

Nights becoming more silent 

Sky with no flying jets anymore 

Seas becoming calm with only waves crushing against one another 

Temples, mosques, churches stands emptied 

All prayers now said from heart 

Easter's sermons 

Ramadans fastings and alms giving 

All men's customs stands still 

Now all prayers whispered from hearts 

Now the holy place becomes the soul 

Faith over religious differences 

Because all pray to survive 

All pray to overcome this natures annihilation.

PurpleUnicorn246 

Thankful!

Look!! sky is getting clearer

Breath!! air is getting fresher 

Listen!! More birds flying and chirping around 

Look!! mountains becoming more greener 

No more hazy smoke climbing up into the atmosphere 

The ocean dances with clear water 

Our earth is happier as cleaner it gets

The forests recovering all its lost assets

Feel!! Your soul breathing freely once again 

Embrace the gift of time 

Become better, become greater 

Accentuate that talent hidden in you 

Heal with the world

Best in you is yet to come.

PurpleUnicorn246 

Letting Go

The essential master of all
Time stays and everything moves forward
What's yours today
Is someone else's tomorrow

Attached to a material now
With time it remains the same though the value goes down
For something the heart cries today
But the time passes on and the tears dries up

Today's grief may become tomorrows reason to smile
Yesterday's sadness may be tomorrows happiness
All bounded by time
Strongest wave coming to shore
Sunrise or sunset.
Every season either winter or fall

Let go of that heavy weight
Your heart has suffered enough
Let the time heal you
Next chapter awaits you
Let go and go on
Something greater will come with time.

PurpleUnicorn246 

Disneyland-Keep dreaming

Magnificent towers stood proud

Shimmering ferris wheel with spectacular rides breaking all bounds

The air with sweet aroma makes you feel at home while far
All our childhood memories knitted together blooming together on the land of Orlando, Florida

The gates open to welcome you into the wonder that unfolds
Never have I ever seen a sight more majestic than the disney world.
Sweet candies fill the air
Kids running everywhere

Zoom vroom the rides go all around
Looong cues with excited faces are found
Tomorrowland takes you on an adventurous ride
Not forgetting the jungle cruise and "it's a small world" exhibiting the worldwide

So much to see, filling up my heart with memories
While filling tummy on funnel cakes, chocolate shakes and candies
Before you realize your feet burns and soles hurt more than I can say
Just as you see another parade making it's way
Boooo!! says the hunted mansion
If you see a flying witch sit still, dont you run

Ding dong ding it's almost 9pm
This is when the castle goes dim before the start of the real glam
Kids on piggy backs,
As we all stand in rain on ponchos and filling up on snacks
Never i knew what's waiting for me will be an experience of a lifetime
3..2...1.. the luminous lights fill the castle, the feeling was so sublime
Fireworks fireworks fireworks, every eye glowing
Every song sung together in solidarity, as one

It was one of the most magical nights of my life till now
Every aspect makes you say wow
From Aladins "A whole new world" to Dumbo and Olaf
Not forgetting the evil magic by Jaafar and Ursula also the brave Marinda

As we held hand and stood,
Singing and swaying together, feeling so happy so grateful
Every song chiming with one message, every character with one lesson
Keep dreaming,
Keep dreaming until you're alive

PurpleUnicorn246

LOVE.

"A partner is one who DOES NOT COMPLETE you but COMPLEMENTS you" -Karishma Mudaliar, Suva Fiji 

There’s no way you can ever be a hundred percent sure that he/she is the one. You don’t want to be sure. It’s a journey you know you are willing to take with someone and unveil all the uncertainties as it comes your way. Dating is quite tricky, one date can be enough to know if you want to be with that person for the rest of your life.  If you force yourself forward just because you need someone in your life, it’s futile.

Love is enough to allow someone in your life. Yet to keep complementing each other for life requires love, respect, honor, communication, knowledge, security, trust. Before one can expect to look for these in a partner, look at your own self. Are you willing to give all this back? Are you willing to be selfless, are you willing to be self sacrificing? It’s such a huge thing yet can be achieved so easily if one is willing.

Life comes in different phases. Some phase can go on for long years yet feels short lived and some can be only for a year but feels like ages. Contentment and faith helps you navigate your journey through your phases. You have to be willing to love yourself on every phase. Just like a new chapter of an exciting book is our life phases. Each chapter has to be read with enthuse, discovering your own self, learning about yourself and loving yourself. Then only will you reveal the phase of love in your life. Once you complete yourself you will find the one and recognize the one who will love you, grow with you. A broken heart cannot give love back unless it heals itself. A healed past nourishes a healthy future. A content heart will love without expectation and receive everlasting love. 

Love is like different seasons, sometimes too chilly sometimes warm and sunny. 

The love of my life has loved me everyday. Everyday we learn, grow in passion, we are vulnerable in a promising relationship while we continue our 7 years of long distance relationship. What we have is love and much more.

 We’ve been dating for seven years and met thrice. Always happy always blessed. Xx. 

PurpleUnicorn246 

STUDYING while In Quarantine- Covid 19

Yes it's hard. And yes its okay. But we cant take chance. We cant lay all day because that's not getting things done!

My first 2-3 days were very focused, motivating then **bam** it's gone. Watching movie, eating, chilling and what not. But I am a medical student. Too long of chill is too deadly for me.. be it high school or any major you're doing. If You dont bust your ass, you're a lost course. 

So let me congratulate you firstly, because if you're reading this, you're probably looking for the long lost motivation. 

I wish I had a magic spell but ugh. 

Well for some motivation videos watch: 

Strive to fit, Jack Edwards- my favorites

https://youtu.be/z8AFsD2Ew1k

https://youtu.be/TLA8E5IL8as

If you need a partner while studying: 

You can watch numerous "watch with me" videos on youtube 

https://youtu.be/cIXCnZ_jg30

Some tips from me: 

1. Make a to-do list but dont limit it, as exaggerated it may look put everything you have to do in a day. 

2. Wake up as early as possible. The more alone and uninterrupted you are the more work you're gonna get things done. 

3. Treat this quarantine as study break, and think that you have a exam right after it. 

Now START PREPARING! 

4. Use apps like- Anki(studying with flashcards is most effective method, it's called active learning where you train your brain to remember alot of information by looking at few words on a card) 

5. Read-Think-Write: method i use because I cant infuse alot of my notes into flashcards. So after reading 1 page I just highlight my pointers, say it out loud in my mother-tongue. Then flip the page and write through my memory. 

6. Read some books.. The Silent Patient, When Breath Becomes Air, Sydney Sheldon The Angel of the Dark. 

My current read: How to win friends and influence people. 

7. Pomodoro Timer- 25minutes of focus, with effective work then 5 minutes rest(usually watch a 5minutes video on you tube) then back to 25 minutes studying. 

8. Eat well, 8 hours of sleep. Drink water. 

9. Exercise, relax. 

10. Pat your back because you're trying!! 

That's all from me. Lots of love. Xx 

PurpleUnicorn246 

STRONG!

I have to be strong
Its gonna take my all
But, I have to be strong
It's hard it twists me
It makes me feel left alone
But I have to be STRONG!

I am in this by myself
No one controls my emotion
I cant let it control me
I cant let it rule me
I cant let it play with my mind
I need to pull myself together
To give in is wrong!!
I have to be STRONG!

I dont have to go back to what I was
I have to become even better
I have to overcome this NOW!
I have to fight this off
I have to be strong!

This is my hustle with life
This is my time to show
This is my time to glow
This is my time to put all my strength together
This is my time to show who I really am
I have to go on and on and on
I have to be STRONG!

I cant cry anymore
I cant loathe anymore
I cant waste my time anymore
I have to grow out of my shell
I have to become a bigger person than I am
I have to be STRONG!

I will smile again
I will laugh again
I will shine again
Why am I even sad why am I even miserable
That time has gone
Right now I have to be STRONG!

I need to focus on today
I need to focus on what I have
What I have is better than what i had yesterday
I cant loath the past in any way

My blessing coming to me is even greater
I will pull myself together
I have to do this on my own
I will see the bigger picture
I know I can and I know I will!

Back to reality and back to moving forward
I am greater than my fears
I am going to fight my tears
I will make my future glow
I dont need fake, I dont need toxin that would make my life blow
This is why I take control right now right here
This is where now right now I declare 
!!** I AM STRONG**!!

Dedicated to all those struggling with depression, eating disorder and all different mental health issue that might be taking a toll on you. 

Dedicated to those who lost a loved one.

Dedicated to those who are battling medical condition.

Dedicated to our first responders of covid 19, our pillar of strength!!

PurpleUnicorn246