How My Mother Found Out About Us.

 It was a rocky relationship between them from the beginning but they always stuck along together quite firmly. While raising me and my brother, mother was the one fulfilling all our wishes first hand while father worked mostly in the background. Father had the last say in the house and his one stare was grevious enough to control all of us. 

My brother and I were brought up rather differently compared to every other cousin in the entire family. From very little age we were given responsibilities and were expected to work our butts off. 

While other kids enjoyed their afternoons and Sundays we would end up doing chores around the house. Washing car, cleaning the compound, doing vegetable gardening, chopping wood, and these chores were quite hard labour. No, I am not complaining. No, it was not like some child-abuse but yeah obviously we did not like it as much. Even though we had fights in the house fastforward to teenage years we all shared a special bond. 

My mother saw Karthiks' messages on my phone when we started dating 8 years back. It was early morning of school day my mother being the way she is, she maintained her calm. The years of dealing with students in classroom and my dad at home(lol) built optimal patience in my mum. How she handled the situation that day made a huge impact in my life and I think every parent should learn from her. 

My mum did not yell at me, she never screamed, she did not snatch my phone or lock me in my room. The same afternoon she sat across the porch and asked me quietly, "who is Karthik"? I was already scared and my weird self usually smiles or laughs when I am stressed. I smiled like a fool and replied, "it's a guy I have been talking to". Then she asked, "is he from school"? I said, "No". She asked, "is he from Labasa" answer was No. Is he from Fiji, answer again no. That's when my aunts vehicle pulls over infront of our house and she tells me okay we shall talk more about it. My mother respected my privacy and gained alot more of my trust and made me more comfortable to open up to her. She could have continued asking and told my aunt whom she was extremely close to but she did not. She respected the confidentiality between me and her even if I was only 16 years old and it would be very worrysome to every parent. 

Once alone then she asked me again and I explained her everything. She gave me a very detailed explanation of cyber bullying, threats and all dangers and made sure I understood how she trusts me and how I got to trust her back.  That was one of the days that I specially bonded with my mother. The special connection that I felt with her that she created in my heart. I knew I had found a friend in my mother. Education, hardwork, dedication has been given prime importance in our family and my mothers deal was that I was suppose to study a lot more and do a lot better in school if I wanted to continue my "fling". She monitored my studying time, computer time and I was allowed to use facebook on Friday, Saturday and Sunday since fancy data plans weren't a thing then. For whole year or 2 she monitored every exam even. Made sure I had scored wonderfully and I was determined to maintain her pride and trust in me. I had always had quite strong personality and my then 16 year old brains way of thinking was that "no boy can make me become poor in my school work. No boy controls how smart I am and this nice boy shouldnt be blamed if I ever lag behind in school work". Hence, the journey of being more hardworking, dedication and time management started in my student-life. 

Things would have turned out a lot different if she chose to react aggressively. I might have rebelled just because that's how teenagers usually react when told sternly not to do something and most importantly I would have never told her my deepest secrets. Yes she was somewhat relieved that the guy is not close to us in person and probably thought it wouldnt last long. But LOL who knew that we were destined to be together. Also till today I have never hidden anything from my mother or even lied to her. We have our good and bad days but she had already made her place really high in my life. 

What will others say? Opinions- does it really matter?

My dearest reader, hope you are doing well. Break a smile before you read today's blog. 

Not everyone is marshmallow- heart like me. People also have thick skin and others opinions do not really matter to them. This one is for those who have hard exterior but are soft on the insides. Especially when it's to do with others opinions. 

We are all humans with enough capacity to have opinions. The fact is that it is totally normal to have an opinion about everything around you. It may be right or it may be wrong because opinions are merely a view or judgement of a person which is not necessarily based on a fact or knowledge. 

Certain things I write here are also my opinion. People may agree or may not. It is completely based on each individuals perception on every aspect. Be it dressing, eating, body type, religion, education, money, lifestyle or anything. Either with or without someone's opinion life goes on. 

What matters is how your opinion has an impact on someone else. Tongue has no blades, tongue is not made of bones but it can generate words that can break someones heart, it can break someones esteem. 

Everyone is on a journey. Some are moving forward and get results!! bam!bam!bam!!

But there are alot of us caught up with just trying to survive and keeping our heads over water. It does not mean we are not trying. It simply means our journey has more humps. Everyone has separate sets of priorities. 

Now just as I have an opinion about something else I also have an opinion about myself. This is one of the important things we have which decides our basic mindset. It decides how we basically feel about ourselves. We come across hundereds of people everyday, now does every opinion matter? Of course it does not but what we feel about ourselves projects on how we appear to everyone around us. 

The day I say I feel ugly, I actually may look as such as well. This ugly is the negative energy that I would emit to people around me. Now obviously someone cannot be happy around the clock and we dont have to. This is where the opinion of people important to us matters. A few kind words of kindness can have such an impact on someones mood and day. No one feels great on daily basis. No one has their life all figured and in this global pandemic most of us are struggling. 

Away from a loved one, lost a loved one, out of job. I am away from my partner and will meet later than planned but there is someone who lost their loved one. Someone maybe out of job while someone has lost their dream house. Some don't even have enough grocery while someone has no food at all. Someone has food, water, money clothing and everything but have a mental war going on in their minds- depression/bipolar/schizophrenic. 

From today the least important thing in our lives should be another persons opinion. Words and people who surround us and help us grow and makes us better people are who matters the most. Its isnt necessary we need another person for this as well. We can be our own cheer squad because yet again everyone around you be it a baby or an old grandma they are all on their own journeys. It is extremely easy to recognize the unhealthy/toxic opinions. Basically those ones that just makes you feel awful. You know yourself well. You know how much you are trying, how much you're working hard. You know your journey and how much heart and soul you've poured into creating a lifestyle. If someone says a word that would strike on your self respect, your morale and self esteem then recognize it as toxic. 

• You're not good
• You shouldn't even try
• You can't do it
• You won't be able to do it 
• You look bad 
• Pig/cow/buffalo/whale/tank/drum 
• No, not you. 
• You're not good enough

There's so many more things that can be added to it. Once we have recognized these in its context as unhealthy it is good to talk about it to someone close to you, or have a journel and write about it. If you are not good with words then just lay out all the facts about yourself. You will soon see that the opinion of someone else does not really matter. Example; if you do work hard and study and one day on phone your dad says, you are so lazy. 

Lay out the fact--> you have been studying 5 hours daily--> now this opinion was completely baseless and toxic even it's from a family member. It would feel good to confront people trying to prove them wrong but if we show little bit of patience imagine how amazing it would feel when you slap them(metaphorically) with your results. 

Like the famous quote states, "work hard in silence and let your results make the noise". 

I know its hard but it isn't impossible. It's a lifestyle change to help our mental health, to help us grow as a person who fulfills their ambitions. 

Our ambitions are substantially more valuable than a cheap opinion. 

Don't let that two seconds of opinion from any toxic relationship or a toxic human ruin what you have been working on from weeks/months/years. No one has a radar around you to see what you do 24/7. Only you know what you have been up to. Hence, only your evaluation about your ownself matters. Others do not know your path but you do. You know what you are and you know your self worth. You know what you have and what you lack. You know your abilities. You are NOT weak if you acknowledge your weaknesses. Because just like our immune system, before removing any pathogen it has to first RECOGNIZE THEM. Keep grinding and keep smiling! You and I can do whatever we put our mind and heart to. 

Our First Meetup Part 2!!!

Grazing into the eyes we looked at each other for very first time. I had never felt such love. Like a new couple who just started a relationship although we were already dating for 5 years. It was a phenomenal moment that we experienced and reserved in our memories forever. 

In this perfect moment now I must tell everyone who is reading. I am from a tropical country which is humid and warm, therefore, being exposed to the winter of America and sitting for long hours of flight under chilly air-condtioners does not really help my skin and scalp(no I dont have kanikani). Although, I am going to guess after seeing my face the second thing my bae noticed was my dandruff. *ugh* 

But he just hugged me tighter and we walked in that hug to get my luggage. I touched his face and booped his nose couple of times and first thing that comes out of my mouth were "you're real". We got our first picture snapped by an amazing lady and i called home immediately. Least to say my parents were relieved of my safe arrival and they went back to sleep as it was late night in Fiji. While hugging me he takes out a big winter jacket that he was holding(I never noticed because all I was doing was looking at his face). Covering me with big jackets and gloves and bennie- all prepared for the winter. 

Now since it was the very first time we were meeting Karthik truly tried his best to make me comfortable. Therefore he brings a girl, Shweta from his group of friends and his that time flatmate, Praveen who drove Karthik to airport in his car. Although, really excited to meet me these friends waited for me outside the airport so they don't make me nervous altogether. It may be trivial for many but I have social anxiety and meeting new people is simply tough for me. This tinest act made me feel more comfortable. Also the presence of a lady-friend was the so thoughtful of bae.

As we reach home the girls stay with me through the first night and they cook me food- Potato Paratha. Everyone completely mesmerized by how we met and wanting to know more about our love they ask me alot of questions about our relationship. Everyone tried their best to make me feel comfortable, talking in English all the time so I could understand them, making sure I was comfortable. To be honest it was the minor unplanned actions that made me feel safe. 

Then it was the first of everything that followed; 

First movie, first date, first dance. Our first trip to Tennessee in beautiful cabins that are scattered through the rainforest. Our first movie date, first farts(lol), first arguement in person(completely baseless fight which lasted for a minute or less), our first Christmas, our first new years, our first celebration of my birthday together, first grocery shopping together, first dress shopping and my favorite was his first hand experience of dealing with me while I dealt with my menstrual cramps(they're tiny monsters in disguise) 

Touring through New York city, going through hundreds of floor of empire state building from where we could see the statue of liberty. The entire city of NYC boundless, glowing with lights! With no end to it. Fascinating view where ever I looked. Then later we went to see the statue of liberty up close, seeing the memorial of twin towers. Karthik had already been to these places so he was basically me tour guide who told me about tiny little facts about each place. Everything I saw and experienced in that 1 month promised one thing- we belonged together. 

It was the kindest acts of holding doors for me, cooking for me, taking care of me when I caught flu or had cramps. Also living with me is hard because everyone who knows me will pass me as most annoying and pain in their bums(I like to think I am very pleasant). Karthik survived the 1 month then when we met for second time-the quite long 3 months together. We knew that we had found and finally met our "the one". 

Visit to the statue of Liberty 

View from empire state building 

Picture taken on street of New York City(you got to pay them for posing lol) 

The First Meetup

We have had it all; great days and bad. Isnt that part of every relationship. We are somewhat different because we can't hug after saying sorry. We don't come back home after a tough day and have the other to cling to. 

Its something we yearn to have. 8 years almost 9 and everyday we plan our lives together but we aren't together in the literal manner yet. 

Yes, it's hard for us but we chose it. We would choose it over and over again without any second thought. I flew on the 30th of November 2017. My heart pounding out of my chest. Excitement, nervousness mixed up together into a soup of emotions. 

Being so deeply involved emotionally with a person over PHONE!!! We were finally meeting in person. What if its awkward? What are we going to say to each other? What if he doesn't like how I look, or how i sound? What if he looks or has different demeanor in person? There were thousands of questions but the fear of him being unreal was never there. 

Having my parents say bye to me at the airport I never thought of the amount of emotional pressure I was putting them through. My brother contacting me every minute to find how was I doing. They all controlled their emotions in that moment and showed me what I wanted to see. To see that they were okay with me taking this plunge of faith. Till to date I would never understand how they did it but they did and that one act of faith towards our love that they showed will make us bow to them no matter what. 

Karthik kept my parents informed of every move my flight made. Every minute of my journey he kept them assured I was safe. Getting off at LAX. The vastness of that airport; i would never forget. Probably bigger than my entire island. People every where. I had never gone out of my country and when I did it was to the United States of America! Everything was new and so humongous. I had only seen so many planes in movies and pictures. Beyond my imagination. Asking my way around and contacting my family as soon as I landed I made my way to the second gate. The plane that took me from LAX, Los Angeles to SFO, San Francisco. That was just an hour or 2 long. Now it was time for my flight to Boston. It was already night. I was getting more and more nervous. In a new country, i was going to finally meet the love of my life. The person i want to spend the rest of my life with. It's an inexplicable feeling. 

It was almost time for the descend to start so I went to the bathroom and brushed, fixed my hair and tried to look better, I guess. Once the descend started my heart rate went up. The landing at the Boston Logan Airport was phenomenal. As the plane approached the glowing Boston Harbour; the airline skimming over the Atlantic ocean making a smooth landing on the ground.

I see him standing right there with bouquets of flowers in hand. I recognized him immediately and leaving all my luggage behind I just ran towards him. Hiding half my face and I am still not sure if he saw my face up until we hugged. Oh that warmest hug, the feeling that I belonged here. My heart knew I had found my home away from home. 

(Photo taken when we first met- 30th November taken by a caucasian lady who witnessed us meeting and was in awe and offered to take our picture. I left Fiji on 30th November and as the time difference is there I reached Boston at 5.43am 30th November 2017) 

Lets talk about our bodies- body positivity, wearing right clothes.

 

I have stretch marks on my shoulders, belly(yes the same marks that ladies usually get post childbirth), and numerous other places of my body. Darkened skin tone at creases. I still have my saddlebags(the disproportionate fat on either sides of my outer thigh-3rd slide).

When it comes to stretchmarks there is no escaping them. I read it on a post of an influencer "I am a tigress who has these stripes(stretchmarks)." Stretchmarks represent how my amazing body went through different stages of growing another human inside me or bearing the torture when I ate mindlessly. It represents how my body is now healing after my own war. I am a tigress and I am proud of my battle stripe. To be made conscious of stretchmarks is like devaluing your victory of childbirth or weightloss. Go wear those tanktops and show your stripes off. 

Although when it comes to the disproportionate fats, the stares at my saddlebags usually made me wear longer blouses so I could hide them. It has always been looked at like a "defect". I had a primary school kid point at them and say,"my friends and I are wondering what were those beside your hips. Did you place something huge in your pockets that caused the bulge". 

I've walked past numerous people who would look back after passing by me just to get second look at my "side bulges". I had actually genetically inherited this phenotype from my grandmother and I downright disliked them no matter what. As I grew bigger putting on more and more weight my shape went from pear to these saddlebag which has the most stubborn fat. 

(Picture of me taken by my friend to show me that I've actually become small and all I could see were those saddlebags. Picture taken 6th July, 2020)  

But it did not stop me from wearing clothes that would show these off as you can already see in the picture above. This "flaunting" kind of backfired and just made my esteem drift away. My idea of body positivity was to flaunt these "flaws" to make others perceive it as normal. Did it help me positively you may ask and the answer is NO. It made me very conscious of the saddlebags because it had been stared at consistently. Then I started wearing clothes that would hide these, never wearing a blouse without sleeve as well because I became conscious of my arms. I chose to wear baggy t shirt to hide my fat. As time passed I got hold of clothes that started suiting my body type. Cute dresses worked better on me and I started dressing up differently. Everyone loves compliments and those little words just boosted my morale everyday! 

Basically what my point is being big is NOT a problem socially. Yes, there are health implications of being over and underweight but I wont talk about that. Being a big girl or the biggest girl in your class/family/community is NOT an issue but how you carry yourself matters. The type of clothes you choose to wear matters. A person with big belly fat shouldn't wear body-fitting blouse. It just does not suit. It makes others stare and it brings our esteem down. Same went for me. Jeans with crop top was a big NO!! NO!! because it would make me look downright hideous with my buldging saddlebags and big upper body. 

"If you want to wear such clothes you need to lose weight". A straightforward message from my partner who never had any issues with me being big. Yes, flaunt your body because you have a beautiful body. Although you have to flaunt it wisely! Choose the right types of clothes that "sits" well on your body. We big girls got to  work extra hard while choosing what we wear and how we carry ourselves. Just like makeups are used to hide blemishes of our face, we need right type of clothes to hide the blemishes of our body. "Look good to feel good"- when you choose the right type of clothes for your body type you give yourself the chance to build that self confidence. One of the worst type of feeling is when you walk down a street and your thighs are rubbing- we are done with those!!

Let's choose to carry ourselves with grace and beauty. You can walk in public with comfort and feel powerful. It's okay to hide those big arms or love handles but while hidden, work on them and make them disappear and then flaunt your body however you want to. Body positivity does not mean that you show off your love handles and then go back home depressed! It means self love, knowing you are beautiful despite having them and always working on them. 

Girls, all I gotta say is i am a living proof of you don't need to go to gym to lose weight. All you need is good nutrition, calorie deficit, carbohydrate intake control- I'll write more on it in my next blog. As for now, choose your clothes wisely!

(Pictures taken- 10th December 2020)

How I Started Loving my Long Distance Boyfriend

 It started out with just chatting online. Learning about each other. Like a best friend. Telling about how your day went, what you did, what you ate. The same questions reciprocate. Then the chats went up to calls. Now we were talking. Same questions, some deeper ones but nothing big. Me being a chatter box, him not so much. 

I was always talking and him usually listening and something happened. One day I come back from school to a long message of confession. I didn't feel the same way so I tried to turn it down. You'd find better girls than me. My point was "better looking" girls as at that time I was too self conscious to even look at my own self in the mirror. How could someone even like me without meeting me. Well like is fine but love. Tried to talk him out of it for days and weeks. 

Then decided we would be better as friends. I wouldn't want to lose a good friend because he "felt" he loved him. I thought it was a phase for him. But he had other things planned already. "I cant be your friend only. That's not what I planned. I love you with all my heart and that I cannot change. Be my lover or nothing at all is what he says one day". Thoughts run in my mind and I became selfish in that moment. 

You wanted a relationship and I didn't want to lose a friend. I've been scared of men all my life because of an incident happening to me as a child. Yet I thought you were thousands of miles away so what could go wrong anyway. I thought it wouldnt last so why not just be in it and see how things play out. Yes I didn't love you in that moment. Days passed, weeks came in. I enjoyed my best friends company everyday after school. Talking about my country learning about yours. We talked for hours until I fell asleep. 

You were crazy in love with me I could feel that. But still I couldn't feel the same in my heart and now it felt bad. It was like betraying my best friend into thinking I loved him yet I didn't. I tried to bring those feelings but those feeling cannot just come by magic. 

Let it be I decided, to not force this love on me. I started planning out how to tell you all this. Break your heart and forever you'd be gone. I would bear that but to cheat you, to fake the love was no longer in my plan. Night before we talked on the phone for hours yet again. We laughed and talked and I fell asleep like everytime. 

I wake up to you still there. I could hear little screeches. I tried hard to listen to some girls voice and for last time make myself convinced that all this wasnt real from your side too. Minutes passed but there was nothing. Then you picked the phone and I held my breath. I didn't want you to know that I was awake. Then I wondered why would it matter to me if there were some girl with you. Why did it bother me to a slightest bit. My mind racing with thoughts. Was I actually falling in love with someone I've never met. Then out of blue I hear you confess your love to me again. Not knowing I could hear you I knew your feelings were pure. It was not fake anymore. You never disguised what you felt. I felt my heart beating out of my chest. I have never felt what I was feeling that day. I let out my breath. 

And I let my guard down. 

RISK- HAVE TO TAKE IT!

Grazing through the stars for a brighter tomorrow we visualize to have 

Trying to turn things around yet falling behind in someway. 

Seeing the rest grow and become big. 

Bigger I will be is what you dream 

The plans are made, what to do, the dreams are there in its virtuality 

To execute it to follow through. How to do it is becoming a difficulty. 

To take the risk and plunge into fulfilling that dream 

Or to stay in safe zone of 8-5 desk because you have stomachs to fill

O how they say follow your dream and become what you aspire to be 

Yet they will also say; save money, have a family, you will be happy to live in mediocrity

What your heart wants, only you will know 

How much you want that burning desire, let that fire grow 

Dont listen to "them" its pulling you way back from your starting line

Use this regression as a sling, launch yourself, incarnate that dream of yours into a reality and roar like a lion.