It started out with just chatting online. Learning about each other. Like a best friend. Telling about how your day went, what you did, what you ate. The same questions reciprocate. Then the chats went up to calls. Now we were talking. Same questions, some deeper ones but nothing big. Me being a chatter box, him not so much.
I was always talking and him usually listening and something happened. One day I come back from school to a long message of confession. I didn't feel the same way so I tried to turn it down. You'd find better girls than me. My point was "better looking" girls as at that time I was too self conscious to even look at my own self in the mirror. How could someone even like me without meeting me. Well like is fine but love. Tried to talk him out of it for days and weeks.
Then decided we would be better as friends. I wouldn't want to lose a good friend because he "felt" he loved him. I thought it was a phase for him. But he had other things planned already. "I cant be your friend only. That's not what I planned. I love you with all my heart and that I cannot change. Be my lover or nothing at all is what he says one day". Thoughts run in my mind and I became selfish in that moment.
You wanted a relationship and I didn't want to lose a friend. I've been scared of men all my life because of an incident happening to me as a child. Yet I thought you were thousands of miles away so what could go wrong anyway. I thought it wouldnt last so why not just be in it and see how things play out. Yes I didn't love you in that moment. Days passed, weeks came in. I enjoyed my best friends company everyday after school. Talking about my country learning about yours. We talked for hours until I fell asleep.
You were crazy in love with me I could feel that. But still I couldn't feel the same in my heart and now it felt bad. It was like betraying my best friend into thinking I loved him yet I didn't. I tried to bring those feelings but those feeling cannot just come by magic.
Let it be I decided, to not force this love on me. I started planning out how to tell you all this. Break your heart and forever you'd be gone. I would bear that but to cheat you, to fake the love was no longer in my plan. Night before we talked on the phone for hours yet again. We laughed and talked and I fell asleep like everytime.
I wake up to you still there. I could hear little screeches. I tried hard to listen to some girls voice and for last time make myself convinced that all this wasnt real from your side too. Minutes passed but there was nothing. Then you picked the phone and I held my breath. I didn't want you to know that I was awake. Then I wondered why would it matter to me if there were some girl with you. Why did it bother me to a slightest bit. My mind racing with thoughts. Was I actually falling in love with someone I've never met. Then out of blue I hear you confess your love to me again. Not knowing I could hear you I knew your feelings were pure. It was not fake anymore. You never disguised what you felt. I felt my heart beating out of my chest. I have never felt what I was feeling that day. I let out my breath.
And I let my guard down.
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