FORGET TO REMEMBER

I believe that as time is passing by the generations are becoming more driven to achieve their goals. These goals are becoming more and more diverse, more creative. The platforms of opportunity are growing and we tend to want more and more. 

As I get driven into my field of medicine I discover how obsessed I am with it. The idea to work, prosper in my field sometimes becomes what I live for. This strong fixation on my dream without realizing is draining especially when it is taking longer time to show that "it is happening". 

To keep up the stamina and overall zeal to achieve a humongous goal requires effort because during this journey the time passed would never come back. We all start a journey because I want the end product. "I want to be a doctor", "I want to be an actor", "I want to be a billionaire or a -naire bigger than even that". It is so dang easy to view that end product of our goal when we have not gone through the journey. Then it starts. The work we have to put in, the sleepless nights, the impossible to memorize curriculum, the unending exam, self doubts, letting go of self-care. Multiple rejections. Feeling lost, questioning if I really want this, self-doubt, downright miserable feeling sad and completely burnt out. Yes, all this is real and we all go through this when we are working for something we really want in life. Through the process we spend the our prime teens and twenties and by the time we see the fruit bearing of our hardwork we are already in 30s. So many of us are still grinding right now and either feel victorious or just lost. 

 Absorbed into this journey we may even forget how much love we had for this goal. We forget how passionate we were for this to happen and maybe when it finally does happen we are not even happy. We may forget how much we wanted it. It becomes something we may even advise against because that journey has been so darn difficult. I feel the main mistake I make when i feel negative towards my goal is I forget to remember. 

I forget to remember the little achievement I had during these long years. Either it was to ace an exam, a stranger praising on how I work, someone confided into me because they connected to me more than anyone else, my small observations saved lives. I held so many mothers when they gave birth, I comforted so many people when they were anxious. There would be so many achievements embedded into these long years I spent into achieving my main goal. These moments gave us happiness and assurance of why I started my journey. This wait to see myself prosper in my field is still going on and tomorrow I may be more doubtful or more confident. That is when I will re-read my own words here to remind myself. To remember the little moments of breakthroughs I got. From still being alive and thriving when I thought I was not going to make it to taking on a bigger challenge to achieve my goals in a bigger and better way. 

I took on this path because I thought it is something that will make me successful and success is equivalent to happiness. Well, don't we all think that. Yet, what is the point of it all if we spend the 10-20 years of our lives just sad and tired. So stop waiting to be happy once it is all done. Stop waiting for that one goal to be accomplished and then "allow" yourself to be happy and content. We have to, we must find our happiness along the way. This long, hardworking years has to be celebrated and be spent with laughter and acknowledgement of our small achievements. 

Yes, we all are still waiting for our goals to be finally become our reality.

During this time of wait. We may question, is it still worth it? Truth be told, all we can do is work hard+smart and wait. To have faith over fear because when I do look back at this journey I dont want to remember how scared I was or how unhappy I was. I want to remember my breakthroughs when felt defeated, I want to remember my confidence and how strong I have been through it all. We do not even know if we will live to see the next day or week or month then why wait to rejoice now? 

Would it be a happily ever after?

From boyfriend to husband, from a long distance relationship to a living-in together. We have had 9 years of relationship and had spent total of 7 months together. Now we transition from meeting and saying goodbye to living together for good. 

I had imagined and prayed and wished for this day since I had realized how much love I had for this guy. Today, I am here writing this and my heart is happy but also terrified. All these years apart had taught me to live a life to live with him yet without him. He has waited for this day to hold my hand forever and be with me forever more than even I could imagine. Yet i cannot help but think of what if i am unable to keep him happy. What if I am not the good wife he deserves to have. 

I am someone who plans ahead of everything. I love reading manuals or literature about things I am new to to become better and versed with before I jump into the real deal. Now it feels like I am so unaware of the situation. I've lost that sense of handle and control. There is no guideline for me to follow. I have had 9 years to prepare for this yet I feel so lost. Unprepared. 

As I write, i realize how i am stealing the joy out of this journey I have been put into. Stealing the happiness that i deserve, undoubtedly. It has had me question if I am that ungrateful of all the great things I have been blessed with. 

How ridiculous i find myself to even go through this emotion because obviously I cannot control the future. I find it so ridiculous that I don't even talk about it to anyone but write it all here. 

I have been in this relationship for long enough to know that I have found my soulmate. Every amazing thing in my life is through him. I couldn't even live a day without him. After all these emotion and strong connection I have with him, why am i still so nervous. Yes, it is a normal human emotion, a valid response to change yet with nervousness I also have doubts. Doubts that i cannot even hide. Doubts of what if our relationship doesn't last because of petty issues, what if he isnt happy with me, what if we are just not compatible enough to live our lives together after spending so much time apart. 

I wish so much that I wouldnt feel this way yet here I am. I have no doubt that he will make the most amazing husband for me. Would i be able to reciprocate? We both have personalities that are different. I am loud and chirpy and he is quiet and calm. I question that how would we even vibe together. Goodness, I have exhausted my mind from all this over thought, overwhelming feelings. These situations that hasnt even happened and I am already thinking about it and doing a meta-analysis about it. 

I guess this is what life is. Get thrown into the water so either swim or drown. Yet I know he would never let me drown. He would be sitting in a canoe waiting for me to just see him there, waiting for me, waiting for me to give my hand so he can pull me out of the water. I am so grateful for this life and my husband. To fight these overpowering emotion may not all happen at once but I know that with him I can conquer any obstacle. 

These doubts and nervousness would have been there probably even if we had spent 10years living together and were about to get married or have a baby. Unfortunately, I have been programmed into a person who over thinks but I like to think that my over-thinking just assures how much I care. It helps me realize that the love I have in my heart is as genuine as it can get. 

It still scares the pants off me but I cannot wait to finally hug my man at that airport and finally feel at home knowing I will never say goodbye to him ever again. 

Domino effect of good deed

 In our everyday life we are all busy. Most of us commuting from where we are to where we want to reach. Passing numerous strangers. Some share a smile and most are masked faces. During covid-19 this was put at halt as most countries went into lock down but today as we learn to live with Covid 19 we are moving on and coming in contact with so many people than we did in last gone year of global pandemic. 

On one such day, as I travel in a bus going to my destination the bus yet again jammed pack. Men, women and children getting in. Let's be real the 80% capacity basically is an unfollowed law. On a day sweaty day in a moving jammed bus the driver keeps jamming with more and more people in. As the people still try to find a place to sit the driver hits the accelerator and the bus is on the move again. As the bus comes to a stop a petite elderly woman in her hijab entered the bus, I see her looking across the bus for an empty seat.  My reflex was to get up and offer my seat and just then the driver hits the accelerator again. The bus on the move rapidly and as a chain reaction two women put their kids on their lap and another man gets up and offers his seat to me and I sit in rush scared as I was about to fall. All of this happened in probably five seconds. 

As I sat on the seat of another man, I wondered how we strangers to each other on a hot sweaty day helped each other with minute action of goodness. With one action creating a domino effect of another act of kindness. How we humans are so capable of kindness in every situation big or small. Even when we dont know the other person. 

As the bus, hitting bumps moved on, a small kid entered the bus with his parent. This kind man who gave up his seat for me yet again got up and helped the small kid sit on his place. I admired this action beyond words. How kindness doesn't change with age or gender. How being kind and good doesnt depend on the situation or person. One kind act does truly create a chain reaction that would cause more and more acts that are selfless good deed. 

My heart fills with so much contentment to see a fellow human being kind to another. 

As everyday I believe more in how amazing we are as humans. How capable we are of love and kindness. How capable we are of offering our gestures to those we know and those we don't. This world is such an amazing place and I am so happy to live in it. 

Being Different is SCARY

 

When we move through life we take different paths and most of our friends go in same direction. We are exposed to variable aspects of life. Making decisions of how we are meant to spend our lives. What personally scares me is that moving on I have planned something alot different from most.

The fear is because on this new path I suddenly am almost alone. Being alone is scary. Periodt. Sometimes I am out to get it all and conquer the world but sometimes I am just a simple girl who is nervous about all things I have contemplated I may go through in future.

Then through this fear, self doubt and discouragement I realize that LIFE WILL HAPPEN ANYWAY. There is literally zero promises that if I follow the path same as many others, it would bring prosperity just because "everyone is doing the same".

My ways may take me longer, there maybe more doubt but it will be done one day. One day or another we ALL will have to put in the work TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. So why not put in the work for something we want. Is it scary? Yes, it is. Will it be worth it? I don't know but I hope so.

Bottom line is I dont want to spend my life knowing I could have but I was too scared to even try.

Follow me on IG: @purpleunicornwrites

Work in progress

Any activity started in life requires persistence to complete it. 

You cannot grow a plant without watering it, you cannot know the end of a story without reading it. Everything we use today, everything we see today is a product of someones or natures  persistence to complete the task and get result. Just like that we as humans are also work in progress. We cannot sit around and look forward to a result if we are not persistently working towards our goal. 

Alot of us have so many ideas coming in our mind. If asked about future we have plans about it as well. I want to go to this country, I want to build this big house. I want to become a specialist, I want to become a millionaire. Everyone is looking forward to a future they planned in their minds. As time goes by, some of us settle for whatever we get, some of us chase something bigger and some of us still struggle to survive. 

In this busy schedule where we are lost in the wonderful future we consistently plan in the back of our mind. We wait for a specific moment to move forward and do something. All this while, we ultimately forget the moment we actually are in.

As I started university 5 years and 9 months back I was waiting to be in clinical years, as entered clinical years I am waiting to graduate. As a year 1 student, I looked at seniors as they were like deities. I so badly wanted to be in the final year. Here I am, final year student and my mind has wandered off to future again. Not for a moment until I realized that I have appreciated the moment I am in right now. 

Right now I am living in the future I hoped for 5 years back. Just like me there are so many out there. You maybe not where you wanted to be in your longest term plan but you are somewhere the kid inside you wished for one day in the past.  Although, so many of us had wonderful ideas that they would have achieved by now. A family, a house and kids yet you're still single. Well truth be told, that sucks but yet again we are just work in progress. 

We cannot stay stagnant and hope to move forward at the same time. Yes, being not where we want to be is stressful and frustrating. There is not denying of our emotions on this matter. Although, while tangled up with so much emotions and frustration just take a break. We have to appreciate where we are right now. Even if it sucks for where you are right now. You are still alive, you are still breathing.  You still have time. You are a work in progress. Dont give up. 

Distance against or for us

 Why are you so far

Why everytime we meet to have to still go apart
It breaks my heart to see you go
I cry I bawl and i feel so low
I want to be with you every day
Everyday to hug you feel you and love you in every single way

Being close to you lights my world bright
We laugh we play we make love we even fight
Still I love you so much, still i want to spend with you my each and every night
I hate letting you go everytime we say good bye
I hate it so much but it's the reality we cannot deny

I wish this distance grew smaller everytime I missed you
For every moment I think of you wishing we get closer but the distance only grew.
I keep you in my heart every day
I loved you in every happiness in every sorrow in every excitement and in every dismay
You will always be in my heart which is a fixed deal
But i want you so bad I need you so bad in person.. in real..

Just to hold you close, close enough so I can hear your heart beat..
Close enough as our body both meet..
Wrapped in my arms every night you can sleep
Every bathe of mine you can always sneak
For your gentle touch I still feel running through my soul
For your lips that kissed me soft kissed my every scar every mole.

You held me tight every night when chilly wind blew
There may be a lot of romantic man and a lot of gentleman but my heart falls only for you
my heart aches for not seeing you even for a day
You stole my heart..the way you are you always took my breath away
I still feel like a silly teenager crushing over man of my dreams
You made my life a rosebed of romance smiles and  romantic gleams

All my life I wished for a partner who would love me so much so I never get hurt
You came along and in every aspect of my life you became first
I would love you when sun shines, I would love you when sky thunders
I would love you when wind whirls and blows from every direction I would love you when the clouds cover the entire earth with rain
Everytime that I would be asked, everytime that i will be given a choice, in every moment, every day every year in every life..I choose you over and over again 

The Journey of child birth- From an observer

When a mum enters the labor ward, she may have her birth plan all penned out well. She has a doctor, a midwife and medical support available but once she enters the labor ward the natural journey of child birth can take multitude of path and the initial planning usually "goes out the window". 

As a medical student, I have been witness of multiple childbirth in hospital. When I had become senior medical student, I had assisted in multiple deliveries under supervision. For the mother it is a journey from conception to lifetime. While for me as an observer and helper it is matter of hours from when mum comes to labor ward till she is shifted to post natal ward. What I see is what I want to write here yet in words I cannot explain what the mum goes through but I'll try my best.  

When she enters the labor ward, holding her belly sometimes wheeled in by the wheelchair and sometimes walking in. She shrivels with every contraction as it gets stronger. 

This mum who has been coming into hospital for antenatal clinic suddenly gets exposed to the labor ward. With many more mothers there in pain, some with babies already. SHE IS SCARED. Also during this covid 19 pandemic,  she is ALONE. There are so many new faces that she does not know and the room is cold and alien to her. Childbirth- labor and delivery alone is a tremendous energy depriving process and when added the fear and anxiety it does not get any easier. 

As time passes the mum undergoes multiple procedures that are unsaid and unheard of. Mostly people think that she enters the labor ward and after few hours gives birth. Although there is so much that goes on in between those hours. 

First she will be taken to the "prep room" where a vaginal examination is done. A steel/plastic speculum is inserted in her vaginal canal. Her amniotic sac "waterbag" is checked and analyzed if it has ruptured yet. Then swab sample is taken as a precautionary measure. Then the speculum is removed and examiner checks the status of her cervix (birth canal). While already in pain from the on and off uterine contraction that is helping open up her birth canal there is an examiner who uses their index and middle digits to check how much the cervix has opened and how much it is stretchable to. On her fully gravid belly then the examiner performs deep abdominal examination to check how far along baby has descended into her pelvis. Yes, all this is done while mum is lying flat which is one of the most uncomfortable position as her large belly pushes up to her rib cage. 

This is the speculum used for vaginal examination.

 

An animated example of vaginal examination. 

The growing baby had already compressed her bladder, lungs and stomach. She is having difficulty breathing, acid reflux and a barely controlled bladder. On top of that the uterus contracts every 10-15 minutes then 3-5 minutes as labor progresses. 

Shows how growing baby in uterus pushes other organs 

Upon the examination finding if the mum is deemed to have proceeded into active labor (her cervix has opened upto 4cm and there's progressive contractions and her baby is descending into her birth canal) she is admitted. Here a large cannula guided with needle is inserted into her vein and blood is taken and the cannula left in her vein incase of emergency where she needs fluid or blood transfusion. Then she is transferred to the bed in labor ward. 

She may not be comfortable lying down and while walking she stands in hallway as she gets another contraction. As the sound of other mums scream in pain is echoed through the hall. The screaming mum is shushed by a stern midwife as she would feel more chills and fear. After sometime she is strapped to a monitor called CTG where she has to lie down for straight 40minutes as her baby's heart activity is monitored. The level of discomfort is inexplicable. 

The procedure of CTG 

In some mothers whose "water" doesnt rupture spontaneously (by itself) the midwife/doctor will rupture it for her. Here an instrument called kocher is used. With the two digits of the examiner the kochers is inserted into the vaginal canal of the mother and amniotic sac is snipped at the most bulging area. This would take few minutes as per the examiners experience. The color of the fluid is examined to check for the status of the baby. For example, if the fluid has green color if would mean baby had passed its first poop in the uterus of the mother which would mean that the labor needs to be expedited. If the color is clear then the baby is likely healthy. Post rupture of membrane the labor is expected to progress faster. By then depending on her progress the mum can be in the labor ward from 12-24hours. She is tired, in pain and away from her loved ones from whom she can seek comfort. 

Kocher forcep

As the clock ticks by, she is examined again and told the progress of her labor. With pain increasing as time goes by she is unable to sleep. The silence in the ward in the night. Dark and cold. Muffled screams of another mother giving birth. She is expected to wait patiently. With next day if the baby has not yet arrived she is checked again. Her labor status and her babys status is examined. She can be told that Cesarean section is her option to go for. There are still some people out there who see this as "unnatural" and less significant than vaginal delivery. As someone who has seen both the procedures, apart from different health indication a mum going through either of these two process face extreme challenges and has to bear so much pain before, during and after the process of birth is complete. 

In vaginal delivery, as she reaches to 10cm of cervical dilatation. She is ready to push. She is told to use her power and the uterine contraction to push the baby out. By now the midwife from another shift has arrived and there is likely a new doctor present as well. The pain is tearing through her uterus and she buries her cries to avoid screaming out loud. The pain so excruciating for her and unimaginable for us as observers and readers. She is told to NOT push and wait for the pain as the baby's head pressed against her cervix and is crowning.

 

Picture of crowning.

She breathes deeply, covered in sweat and tears, red from the pressure she exerts to push the baby out. Her tissues of her perineum (wall of vagina) feels like it would tear at any moment. With pain she tries to extend and find a hand to hold. But her partner isnt here yet due to restrictions. She holds the bed railing or the sheets and tries harder and harder to push. All her energy exerted out exponentially, her pain medication which she may have received having lesser effect. She gets more and more tired, she tries her ultimate best. When the baby still hasnt made it's way out yet. The midwife would choose to perform episiotomy. Here, before the next long contraction pain the midwife injects (inserts needle) in the perineal tissue and gives numbing medication to the perineal tissue. As the next contraction arrives the midwife takes a surgical scissors and cuts the vaginal wall at 7 o'clock position. This creates more space and with subsequent few pushes her baby is finally born. 

As the baby is put on her breast the initial attachment commences. The mum is immediately given an injection on her thigh muscle and the caregiver will then massages her belly to help her placenta to detach from the uterine wall and be delivered as well. This placenta can be from 500grams to 1.5kilogram heavy. Then all the clots is removed from her using a large swab that is held with a large long clamp which is inserted in her vaginal canal. After all the clots are removed midwife will again give the mum local numbing drug, clean her perineum with sterilizing solution and prepare to stitch the incision and the naturally torn tissue. This itself is another painful procedure the mum undergoes after delivery. Then she has a sanitary pad placed and moved from the delivery room. 

As the mum is transferred to the post natal area. She hasnt had rest, had food for long hours. She hasnt shower and had gone through a challenge of a lifetime. As she tries to rest, she is told to breastfeed her baby. Then with immense pain she walks to the bathroom to bathe herself. 

This is how you and I have been born. Every living being on this planet has or had a mother who has gone through this colossal amount of excruciating pain to give you life. Thank you, Ma. 

The Science behind procrastination

Procrastination is a risky game we all are bound to get stuck in once in awhile. This imperfection is what makes our varying personas connect with each other at a similar level. By definition procrastination is an active action of postponing or delaying any activity you are suppose to do. You can call it an invisible diabolical action that incarcerates you in your own realm of idleness.

With an unending unchecked boxes on the to-do list work keeps piling up or there is that one thing you just cannot get yourself to do. In simple words you're just "not feeling like it". I wish I could write this as a solution to this issue but before that let's understand the science behind procrastination. 

Our brain, the "overlord" of our whole body system has this special place called limbic system which basically processes emotions, memory and behavioral responses. It's made of different structures like amygdala; like an army it detects threats and decides how to respond. The hippocampus which is like a university campus which helps in learning and deals with memory. Thalamus relies all your sensory information ie; everything you see, hear, touch, pressure and pain EXCEPT smell (that's perceived by your cerebral cortex). Hypothalamus is master of your bodies hormonal system. Basal ganglia helps you to do things like speak, move, emotion and behavior and lastly cingulate gyrus again process behavior and emotion. 

Now with all these fancy medical jargon you have noticed "emotion/behavior repeatedly written. Our bodies tend to reciprocate positively to the hormones released when we do something that makes us happy/feel rewarded. This hormone is called dopamine. According to Havard University research article dopamine which is associated with food, exercise, coitus, love is now also associated with social media. Well why not, right? Out of 7.82 billion, 50.64% of us use social media. Since using social media causes dopamine to release in small impulses we tend to use it more and more often. Meanwhile the task that has been hanging on our to do list forever imposes as an unpleasant event. Here the amygdala kicks in and sees it as "threat" decides to work against it by causing your limbic system to override your pre-frontal cortex. Pre frontal cortex helps you to make decisions for better future, impulse control and logical thinking. 

So you see now our brain basically responds to what we perceive from our environment. Hence, procrastination simply becomes an imminent future to anyone who exposes themselves to shortlived dopamine parties. This would only push your schedule further and when that deadline is about to arrive the amygdala will kick in again seeing the impending doom if you don't submit the work. That's when you start to panic, pulling all-nighters, cram and this is where your orbitofrontal cortex comes into action and guess what it does. Yep, you guessed it right. It causes the ultimate feeling of regret. 

The Vicious loop of Inadequacy

Born in a family that acknowledges education as supreme of all I had the idea of "workhard and study to succeed" hammered into my brain. As I grew up everyday i was part of a rat race. As a child driven by marks and grades, I was introduced to the emotion of disappointment,  ecstatic and downright emotional breakdown as a primary school kid. As moving on into the years i started coming across not just one or two but so many of my colleagues who were striving to succeed just as I was. The stressful days and nights. Dark circles started coming up just as we entered early teens. 

Trying to remember details of subjects, watching my brilliant friends work hard as well. Math, Science, Language some one thrived in one yet struggled with other, some started losing hope right there. I myself as I reached final years of my highschool started to steer away from the rat race. It became a challenge to remain awake, my mind couldn't decipher things my classmates understood. I wanted to learn yet something in me just stopped me. What got fixated in my mind was that I had stopped being as good as I was. This deep feeling of being inadequate was buried in me because NO ONE EVER TALKED ABOUT THESE THINGS. If I had something going on with me which was hard I was told someone else is going through something that is even harder. I was just a high school kid and I was told university is even harder. I fought with my mind by myself and started taking help from my friends to understand concepts because I had really wanted to go to medical school to be a doctor. 

I had blamed myself for being "too lazy". It was like the race I was running I had runners who were running so fast that what got stuck in my mind was "why try when I cant even level up with other runners". Now when I think of those thoughts I went through, I know maybe one of you who is reading this had gone through this feeling in past or is going through right now. No one teaches us how to snap out of this. No one asks us or tells us that it would be alright and we will get past this phase. It is rather unfortunate that the school system either primary, secondary, tertiary and even different sectors of workplace does not extend importance to this mental challenge so many of us go through at some point. Yet here I am writing about it hoping I'd help someone that it will be alright if we choose to keep persisting and focusing on our primary goals. 

You will not forever be stuck in this loop of inadequacy and insufficiency as you have the abilities to do things beyond your imagination. What matters is that you are willing to try and persist stubbornly because you can achieve what your mind wants to. 

It's weird how we look down at "negative remarks" or condescending comments as a ball buster but science supports this as a negative and positive reinforcement actually proved by Burrhus Frederic Skinner (B.F Skinner) an American psychologist who in 1948 used lab rats to explain how postive reinforcement (operant conditioning) and negative reinforcement were both used in order to bring about and stop certain characteristics and activities of a living organism. Be it a lab rat or a human. 

I had a careers teacher in high school was very loquacious. He would go on and on about topics on different fields of career paths. One day he was showing how to fill a university course application form and he asked me what I wanted to apply for after highschool (this time I was a pretty lagging behind student as well). So I replied to him "I want to go to medical school and become a doctor". His reply had such an impact on me that now 7 years later I still remember it. He looked at me for few seconds and thought for awhile and then said,"alright let's fill a form for you that you want to be a nurse".  

Well years later when I would step into the hospital I would learn the actual pivitol role nurses play in health care sector. Although to the 16year old me who looked at it as that the status of the job reflected the importance which depended on the hierarchy and here I was when a teacher told me that I shouldn't aim that high in the hierarchy. I was baffled and simply so sad that the hidden feeling of inadequacy in me was basically poked into by someone and was validated. This teacher had indirectly told me I actually was inadequate. 

Fast forward into the years multiple exams came and went. I had sat for national external exams, internal exams and many others. I had to move on and focus on what my goals were. Took a lot of help my friends. Few years later, there I was sitting in the classroom with brilliant students from all parts of my island waiting for the first class to start as a professor walked in saying on the top of his voice, "Come Let's Gather Some Berries" and there was the day my first lesson of Anatomy 101 began. 

MESSAGE FROM MY AWKWARD-SELF

 !!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAYY TO YOUUUU!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY TO YOUUUU!!! 

Every loving one around me singing and smiling away.. oh phewww

While I stand in middle of the room with a cone shaped birthday cap and wobbly in the knee 

Waiting for the earth to swallow me. 

I am so grateful for these occassions but this is a note from my awkward self. 

Searching to connect with another awkward human out there. Yes, you're not alone we're both weird elf 

The awkwardness of saying "NO" to someone, the awkwardness of accepting compliments from a *not so close* person. The awkwardness to hug someone. 

Ugh what is wrong with me. These moments are sweet but not so fun 

Palpitations and mental analysis to shake hands or to accept a hug 

A smile on my face that's more like a smug 

So much goes on in this brain of mine 

Calming my nerves, can I have a glass of wine!!! 

That moment to go ahead saying hi to a relative 

My mama forces me to otherwise she'll hand me an affidavit 

It's so hard for me to befriend another person. 

Around me I've created these big walls of self-protection 

Overthinking of accepting invitation to a party  

Rather prefer to blast some music in my room and get groovy 

Yes, if you relate to me you're not alone in this 

I am another weirdo along with you **sniff**sniff** 

Aye life is anyway too short to bother much about changing my whole persona 

I am happy in a group, I am happy as a loner. 

Our group of friends smaller than an atom 

Either way, those genuine twos and threes are alot more fun 

Maybe we have had few too many wardrobe dysfunctions 

Yeahhh, those ain't very much fun. 

But as my bae says, Izzokay you just have to keep moving on 

We gotta turn that frown upside down 

We are unique, smart and witty 

Let's maintain this awkwardness, we dont need anyone elses validity. 

SOMETHING WILL ALWAYS TRY TO STOP US

It may be a voice in your head 

Screaming you cannot do it 

Is it even worth it? 

Keep lying in bed!!!!! 

The comfort overpowers the urge to accomplish 

Day after day every motivation finds a dead end 

Who care what I can or cannot do 

I don't have anything to prove to you 

The wants and need fight its place in the mind 

Strangled by invisible arms of our gadgets 

Watching others grow into something 

Wishing you had it too 

After that post is scrolled the mind wanders away yet again 

Desires slowly dying away 

Waiting for the "to feel like it" to get things done 

Why have we become so needy for motivation by some phrases or videos 

Why have we become so parched for validation.

You dont need no one to tell you what you have to do 

You're incarcerated yet not strangulated 

You can get out of the prison of your mind 

You dont have to read this. You have to get up and get things done. 

Get up and do what needs to be done

Get up and move it. 

You are person with ability of multitasking.

You are someone with ability to function with mind and body. 

Either lying in bed or crawling on the floor either sitting on a chair or tucked in a sofa. You can still get things done. 

Start that research, read that book, write that journal, study for that test. You dont need me to tell you this. 

Laziness will strangulate your soul, mutilate your desires and ruin your life. 

Get up and start doing something. 

Don't let that fiery man/woman in you become cold. 

As my professor says "STOP SLEEPING WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE" 

Never ending days where I feel nothing but tiredness

 After a long night of sleep I wake up into a new day. Thanking God that I got another new day, having ability to breath, see, intact senses, not in pain, having my basic needs in place. My usual reflex is to pick my phone and go through it. Lying there in bed for some reason I feel heavy. 

The thought of going through the day runs in my mind. Assignment then sit in lecture then cook and eat then continue lecture. Then its evening again. Day after day moving on but somehow feeling stegnant. I know it's not a physical strenuous work but it is mentally tiring. The brain is the mastermind of everything we do, feel, think and decide. Every action, every reflex is controlled by our nervous system that starts in our brain. What happens when the brain itself is tired. 

Being a medical student in past would have been harder surely where students had to be in clinic and be in lectures but somehow the variability of the day would have made time fly by along with friends. Having good day or bad day at work but somehow the feeling of accomplishment is there at the end of the day. Right now its merely sitting in 4 walled room thinking of ways to make it through every day. Then through the night then again another day. 

No, I am not free and no I am not chilling at home. This is mentally exhausting. Medical school has been an endless journey through which years have passed and new years have come through. Although this final year seems somewhat strange. Like writing the last paper in a lengthy finals where your brain is sore and your thinking capacity is at a brim yet you're pushing to finish the exam. I am at that last paper and it will take a good push everyday to keep me going. 

As my professor says, "you cannot say you're tired because everyone IS tired. Nobody really cares that you're exhausted because they are too".But I just want to put a note to myself that I care that I am tired. I care that i am exhausted and i acknowledge the fact that I am willing to keep moving forward. 

Just as when i got into fitness and while following my workout routine i fell off my track at astounding speed. But I got back on and that is the whole point. Being able to keep doing something even if you're falling off. Getting back on because this time you're not starting from zero, you're just continuing where you left of. Falling off the track of my journey doesnt mean I dont love what i do. It just means that I am a human and so are you. Just as that last page of exam sheets I am also on that last sheet and I know I can write it because guess what doing the exam and completing it is a million times more worth than leaving it blank because that's when I'll do justice to all these years of preparation. 

A girl and her periodic nightmares- menstruation

Thought to write a poem on my period 
Wont that be a little weird 

Just a nagging endless journey that started at 12 called menarche 

I thought it would be exciting but what the fork.  
When the 28-32day cycle gets at peak
Bloody Mary starts and only thing i ask is 
Didn't last one just ended last week!!!

This whole thing will be full of nagging 

Well my uterus in my pelvis is dragging 

You'd think just the 5-7 days of bleeding is the actual mess 

I'll give you another chance to make a better guess. 

There's this little devil called Pre-Menstrual Syndrome 

Pimples, bloating, cramps, constipation then diarrhea should I go on. 

Verge of crying then laughing like a maniac 

Sometimes theres nausea and sometimes endless urge to snack!!! 

If you see me in a fetal position on my bed 

Dont tryna say I am overreacting you might end up dead. 

Then there is a deep pinch I feel in the muscles of my uterus called myometrium 

Sounds very fancy but it's a freaken muscle cramp! 

Squeezing and helping those clots to get out and be set free 

If you feel freaked and feeling eww grow up and dont be a baby!! 

With every pain comes short lived hot flashes then actual cold feet. 

This is what every woman goes through month after month 

Some miss a few months and bam bleed for a whole month 

This is related to whole of hormonal freakshow going on in our body 

But it can be also because of exercise, stress or our uterus is just being moody 

This is not something that makes us debilitated 

Most women still work and perform without any hint that her uterus is being grinded. 

Yes we become a little more vulnerable during this time of the month 

Well that's why we have a safe place with you so we can vent. 

Eventually the craziness ends after some days 

A day later of no bleed some of our sisters may bleed again 

Period is something normal but has tonnes of weird variants 

Understand your woman and dont become blunt 

Well the days pass and the days of feeling better eventually comes back 

Fortunately or unfortunately I still wanna have some more snack 

Just 2 to 3 more weeks until this dreading cycle starts again 

Oh the scare I feel to sneeze freely cause down there it will rain 

But it is what it has to be 

Oye vey at least until menopause comes to me by fifty five or sixty. 

Days when I let Food control my entire existence. A Toxic Cycle.

 I really hope I can relate to someone but how many times have I just scrolled through Instagram looking at those videos on muckbang eating (without the sound). Its not the eating but the food that fascinated me since I was a kid till today. 

Till i was 22 years old i had the worst relation with food. From hiding them in my clothes basket to eating whenever I could. Nothing helped. Honestly I don't think there is one particular thing that could help someone like me. There are definitely various options but everything at the end of the day just depends on how willing am I to be consistent with acquiring better "behavior" I guess.  I remember as a kid I used to imagine myself in scenarios where I'd have to choose just one thing to eat forever and I'd choose fried chicken and chips, or I'd just have one meal wait for clock to tick away till I have the next meal. It wasnt particularly the meal but it was the type of meal. The junk, oily, sweet, meat literally anything that was deep fried or basically had very low nutritious value. 

I used to get so angry when my mum gave me food in moderation because she was only trying to help me. But for me it was outrageous and something that I thought she was doing because she didnt love me enough. Little did I know my war was never with my mother or everyone who bullied me for being fat. It was a war that was me against myself. Me against my own habits and me against my own mind and body. 

I just stood under the shower, maybe when I was 10-12 years old punching myself in my belly and crying thinking why am I not like the other kids who are so athletic and why am I not like my cousin who was so pretty and so petite. Engulfed in my own toxic cycle of feeling guilty, then eating to make myself feel better and then just feeling guilty and crying then having a short lived epiphany of changing my life and then the next day my cycle just repeated itself all over again. And again. 

When I think about my time as a kid I feel nothing but so sorry for the child inside me who was beating herself up. I wish instead of all my family who made the jokes about me which they thought were "cute" instead they all came and helped me genuinely. I wish instead of my teacher who called me out in middle of playground just gave me that last bit of motivation instead. I wish the kid in me just got the help she really needed.

(Myself at the age of 10)

Well truth be told she didnt get the help she needed when she was young. But today I am so proud of myself that I helped my ownself. Even if it took over 20 years but I helped my own self. Yes, my battle is still on with food, with my body image but at least I am better than I was a year ago and alot alot better now than I was 10 years back. I thank myself for that. 

Stuck- Reflection of Covid 19

They were all there
They were all so available
It was hard to get everything done
But without it all seems so dull
When all this is over
I cant wait to breath without fear
When will all this be over?

Craziness has taken over my beautiful island 

My country battles and struggles with Covid yet again. 

Questioning how we will win this war 

It's getting gruesome in every way 

The white coats are getting heavier with dying patients at the hands 

Trying everything they can but the doctors and nurses get buried under every corpse. 

The fear seems to not touch those who havent seen this in person yet 

How arrogant some can be to let this monster win. 

PurpleUnicorn246

A day after i was punched in my Gut by An OSCE

 Time truly does heal us. From feeling incredibly pathetic and worthless to redirecting into feeling better little by little. It's crazy how we humans process emotions and progress. I almost always talk to my boyfriend about all the shitty moment and he helps me work through it. 

Although this time I was like hmmmm... till when I should ask him for help. I'd have to face them myself rather them breakdowning in pieces infront of my boyfriend and he would say things that would help me get through it. So that's what I did I spent the whole day by myself and had a good cry for awhile. I went nuts for awhile and washed 3 loads of laundry, got some goooood fried chicken, binge watched The Hunger Games, went for grocery shopping with my roommate. Got home. From morning till evening I thought about the how inexplicably badly I did in the OSCE. I was so gutted I didnt even celebrate the end of my block as i had planned whole week. But well after I got home, watched more movies, found another awesome mate of mine got same OSCE case and did great (but somehow I was really happy for her genuinely). My roommate made dinner for both of us and I ended my night watching you tube lecture on "underachievement". 

Today is the very next day, from past experiences I would have felt the same big sack of sad lump in my stomach, my mind running about recollecting the scenario thinking how I could have done differently. But hold and behold I actually feel contented with myself. 

It really was just a bad day, it's not a bad life. 

The struggling life of a student

As a medical student I am customized over the years to study and study hard. 

I honestly dont even remember a single day I might have spent not doing something studying related since I entered medical school. I am a hardworking student actually. Things dont come to me naturally and I have to work my butt off to remember things. Active recall, flashcards, rewriting, watching videos, quizzes everything that's basically I am suppose to do. 

I want to be a doctor so bad but this journey punches me down somedays. Feeling stupid because of a bad grade. When deep down I know it doesnt define me as a student but let's get real grades gets me closer to my goal. The news is that this journey ain't getting any easier anytime soon. More exams, more studying more grades are on my way in next years when I take my journey through step exams. 

But every cell in my body doubts my ability and I feel like crap. Like getting punched in my gut after working hard for weeks if I cannot get a good grade in here how am I suppose to do on steps. I guess I just have to keep breathing, keep going. 

I really hope it's just a bad day and not a bad life. If anyone reads this. I hope you feel better soon. 

THE MIND IS MY HAVEN AND SOMETIMES AN ENEMY

Woah. Sometimes our own thoughts can be so toxic. Here we cant even blame someone else. Maybe you're also battling with some feeling that is so out of your control. I feel them too and there are so many people out there. Driven by enormous overpowering emotions affecting our everyday life. 

It's so easy to have yourself entangled into multiple of emotions everyday. Sometimes I feel like why cant we have a switch that with one flick just makes us stop feeling something. Sometimes I sleep at night and my mind races so fast. Flying from one aspect of my life to another  so fast that sometimes I could hear my thoughts.

 

Why am i usually so negative about myself? I dont do it on purpose but why is it so easy to think of something bad about yourself than something good. Mind dwells on those imperfections that are part of me and that will always be part of me. 

May be I dont think about good things about myself because I feel somehow I am not entitled to such a compliment. Even if it's from me to my ownself. It is so easy to think that I am not good enough and give up on something than to think I am good enough and achieve even bigger things. 

But we have come so long way through our life. We came to this world not even knowing how to hold our head but we learnt it. We learnt how to crawl, how to sit up without falling. We learnt how to talk and we learnt so many things. We can also learn to think at least one good thing about us. We can also learn to give ourselves that break from gigantic thoughts that pressurize us daily. We can learn to love ourselves. But first we must give ourselves that one chance. We owe it our ownself. 

Its Not Always A Fairytale

Most of the time nowadays I wonder, am I not trying hard enough? Shouldnt I be fighting hard for us. Shouldnt I be breaking barriers fighting my way through to get done what we both want.

It's not alot we are asking for. Isnt it our right to be together. 

The uncertainty of the day makes me scared because my mind keeps wondering of the what ifs. You're stuck with me in this loop that neither one of us want to be part of. Does not mean we love each other any less but time has become so hard. 

Have patience but for how long. "You've done this for 9 years". Its just two more years. It's so easily said. Words laid out effortlessly but to go through it is a rumble on it's own. As I walked along the street today I fumbled on my own feet. Soaked up in my thoughts to even realize the reality I am in right now. Have faith, grace will be upon us but when? We are waiting from so long. Everything we want to do has come to a halt. When will we start our lives? 

You are not with me and maybe you wont be for next coming months or years. My mind is blank and I wish I could make a bigger difference. I am not trying hard enough. My heart aches that I am making you beg me to take that leap of faith in us. I wish you could know how badly I want to do it. I'd do it right now.

This life we spent building for so long with one principle purpose- Be happy. 

But you are not with me, how could I possibly be happy. 

A Weeping Heart In Love

 It waves in through the veins 
Something with heat and then it rains
Thundering clouds bursting inside the skull
I wrote in love, sometimes I wrote in vain
Then I stopped for awhile till today when I write in pain

The sound of the laugh rings a loud.
I search for you, I looked all around
Was it easy before, shouldn't we have learnt it already
I wish to silence myself
The voice would never be heard, words never being said, hearts never being hurt.

Was it easy before or have things changed, time has changed or have we changed.
Our smiles in our photographs remind me we were happy..
You held my hand on tight as we walked by through states
Hold my hand again
Don't let me slip away.

Come along, come with me
Stay with me my heart still loves you like it did on the first night I slept along with you as you whispered through the phone saying you love me
My heart loves you even when you're far
But how long we'd go being so far apart

Sketched details of your face imprinted on my heart.
I wouldn't stand and see you go away
But every night becomes months 

and years  becomes of the day
Time stretches longer and longer
Getting restless I am, every day that you're there while I am here.

I think about you a little more than I should, I spent moments of every hour contemplating of what ifs and what would
It's making me more weak in my mind and heart.
Makes me restless, I just no longer want to be apart

Help me oh my sweetheart, hug me tight when you meet me finally
Dont let me go off, dont let me lose myself as I wait for you daily
On the rainiest days, in the scorching heat
I mean no wreath to you anytime of the day I mean no agony i am sorry you feel this way
You know I'd love you, I'd love you forever and a day. 

2020- Historical or Not.

Pounded under power
He kept them quiet for so long.  
For what would have been used for good 
Was never the intend from start

The world went through a havoc
Cries were muffled under dying bodies
Closed inside the four walls the riches safe and secured
Poor scared and trembling for roof over their head was snatched

Then it happened
For what was fought to be stopped years ago.
Men gave lives to be mattered
But it happened again
Grabbed and pinned like a wild animal
Till his heart stopped beating.

Lord made man and woman and called in humanity
Locked inside the house, scared I am.
For humanity is having a slow death.
At the beginning of time there was good and bad for men to make their choice.
Today and in the coming day the choices remain absolute same
How willing am I to choose good.
How willing are you? 

Some Tricks/Tips That helped me Have Healthier Lifestyle

To make it easy for you my readers I will simply enumerate all of my tricks I used.

 **please note all brands of food shown here are my personal choices and not any form of advertisement. If you have health implications please consider medical help before you choose to follow my steps** 

Always remember the first month of acquiring any lifestyle change is the hardest. Being humans we are bound to stoop towards our cravings and desires that may be unhealthy but satisfying. Self control and willpower is difficult to maintain but don't forget every darn thing in this world is hard. It's a process we have to go through and its upon us of how willing we are. Reach out for help if you fall off. It's never an end of the show for you because you made a mistake. It's okay to feel guilty. It's okay to say yes to one thing but learn to say no to the next. Keep learning! 

Rule number one is: DO NOT GIVE UP AND KEEP TRYING. KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!

Most Important Rule: DO NOT MISS MEAL. Worst mistake is made when someone misses meals. Then end up overeating in the subsequent meal. Stop looking for reasons why not and just dont miss meals. 

ALSO GYM AND WORKOUT IS ONLY 20% OF YOUR FITNESS. 80% IS FOOD AND NUTRITION THEREFORE EVEN IF YOU DONT HAVE TIME TO WORKOUT YOU CAN STILL TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! 

STOP SUGAR- people claim not taking sugar makes them dizzy but this is because they also stop eating enough and starve themselves. If you eat enough you are giving your body carbohydrates through your food. Drink enough water and stop taking sugar.

What is enough water? 

I drink at least 3L of water daily  

 

Other small changes; 

1. Use smaller plate/bowl

2. Do not buy any snacks(chips/peas) during grocery shopping

3. Do not even look inside bakery/cafe

4. Use honey for sugar

5. Replace rice with roti, crackers, sweet potato, cassava. 

6. Use MACROS- an app for calories counting. 

Link for android users : https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.josmantek.macros

Link for apple users: Macros - Calorie Counter by Jose Manuel Alarcon

https://apps.apple.com/fj/app/macros-calorie-counter/id1216666985

7. Stop every alcoholic beverage(wine, beer and everything) 

8. Only soft drink I drank once a week or in 2 weeks was Coke Zero. It has it's own health implications therefore please take precautions. Water is always a go to option. If not then you can make lemon juice but if I had no other choice then only this was the soft drink that helps me keep in my calorie deficit. 

9. Drink Dhal- it's high in protein, nutritious, keeps you full. 

10. Eat 1 fruit a day and not more because fruits have alot of carbohydrates. When you will use macros you will be able to keep track of how much carbs is recommended for you

Example: 1 banana has approximately 27grams according to macros. 

11. Keep your carbohydrates intake less than 100grams per day. 

12. Increase your curry intake and eat 1.5-1 roti in one sitting. 

13. Can have  nutbars such as nature valley as a snack- only 2 bars per day as snack although if you have have fruit or other alternative then have those instead 

14. If you do end up in any fast food restaurant only eat- chicken thigh(2-3pieces) with water. It's not the best option but its still better than having fries and soda as well. You can also have chicken wraps. DO NOT EAT NOODLES therefore no more chicken chowmein. Have chopseuy, stirfry without rice. 

15. If you are having sandwich as meal- Eat wholemeal bread(2 pieces in 1 sitting) use mayonnaise as spread and load up the fillings. Use grated carrot, lettuce, cabbage(gobhi), tuna/chicken/sausage. 

Rule of 2: only 2 bread, 2 tablespoon of mayonnaise, if using cheese than 2 singlets only, 2 sausage only. 

16. Only snack I used to buy used to be- black plums, peanuts and can also have boiled chickpeas or blue peas, nuts, cucumber, celery

17. Before and after eating; so always before eating(time does not matter) I would gulp a glass or two full of water. During meal I'd drink more water and after as well. Also before my meal I try to have half of the 1 fruit I eat per day or whole fruits(its okay, you don't have to be so hard with the "rules"). Remember you should be full and satisfied!

18. It's okay if you make mistakes. Learn from them. Stop beating yourself up. Once you get into the "system" it usually takes a month to make it a habit. 2 months for you to see changes and 3 months for others to see changes in you. 

19. Make sure you're full. Do not eat and remain starving. This starvation is compensated when you drink water and fruit during your meal. 

20. 8 hours of sleep. 

21. Wheatbix and oatmeal are one of the best breakfast you can have. Also make sure your quantity is moderate. Do not overeat. Meaning always check the food package nutrition information where it will give the recommended food. 

Example; recommended wheatbix is 2. You can have half banana or apple with it. High fiber breakfast keeps you full for longer hours. 

22. Stop eating corned mutton or beef- they're full of low density fat that clog your blood vessels and cause heart attack. 

23. Start taking care of your hair and skin. It does not take long hours to put some face mask or use face wash. It doesn't take too long to put hair mask. Taking care of our body is our own responsibility. Allow yourself age gracefully. 

24. If you've read till here; my biggest trick when things become out of control. When there is a packet of chocolate my friends put in fridge and I just want that bite. I know that my tastebuds and satisfaction of the taste is till my tongue therefore I am guilty of taking a bite, chewing as long as I can to take the taste and I spit it out. I am not ashamed of this. 

MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER WHILE I MADE DIETARY CHANGES TO LOSE 20KGS!

I would be so happy if I told you that it was a pill or a drink or a detox to lose weight. Obviously if it were that easy wouldn't we all be slim-blim. When I met Karthik for 3rd time in 2019 even he noticed that I was gaining weight quite fast. He asked me to get on the scale. I was so scared because obviously i avoided the scales. It hit 104kgs!!

I was mortified but my man he was like, "okay we will be going to gym". No reaction, no giggle, no dismay. No expression of disgust. It was just a number for him and he was already planning how we will work to lose it. 

I know you ladies have your lifepartners who have no issues with your weight. Embrace them. These men are rare. Although I personally wanted to give my partner the gift of having a healthy partner. I did not want to impose my unhealthy eating and lifestyle on him because that is common among couples. Gaining weight in love shows your comfort in the relationship. It may not always show you are happy because people binge-eat when depressed as well. Anyway it's easy to have your partner get used to your habits if done over many months or years. In my case, Karthik never had likness for KFC but when I went to meet him in the US and we had KFC every now and then. When I came back to Fiji, he said few times that he wanted to eat KFC. I was full of guilt because i knew i had imposed my habit on him. That too in just 2 months!!!

Well fastforward to our 3rd meeting, I started going to gym. My focus was cardio! I did not do any heavy weight lift, no body workout. All I did was use the machines- treadmill, bicycle and elliptical. I spent one hour in the gym and with 10-15 minutes on treadmill, I never ran because I used to get too tired therefore I walked briskly-basically walking really fast with few seconds of jogging(I couldn't even run for a minute). 

I will be sharing my insight of the machines I used in my next blog. 

Having a supportive partner is unbelievably helpful because we are humans. We need help and support of people we love. If you have no one then help and support your ownself. Yes, its helpful to have someone else but it's not an absolute necessity. Although I am always a message away to anyone who needs support because I believe if I can help just 1 person it is a win for me. 

I thought to myself after the KFC incident, well if i imposed my bad habit on my lifepartner then that meant i can also impose good habits. That meant that I had to firstly have good habits to impose it on my partner. 

Hence my first dietary change I made was that I stopped eating rice(it is massively helpful because eating roti and drinking 3 liters of water helped me be full for longer hours then only eating rice. Also roti has lesser carbs/grams compared to rice). I left rice altogether at once but that may be hard for some people as some people have weaker self control than others. Although that does not mean you can give yourself the liberty to eat mindlessly while using the excuse of poor self control. That would just mean you don't want to try and if that's you then I suggest you stop reading this blog right now. For the rest, you can start by doing portion control- increase dhal intake and reduce rice by half of your initial intake, avoid refilling your plate and eat in a bowl if possible. 

Eating in small bowls helped me immensely because I had less space to take more food. Also drink water before, during and after eating. Drinking water does NOT dilute your stomach acids or whatsoever, it actually aids in digestion and helps you get full. So keep gulping- you'll pee alot though. Also I had to stop eating I  restaurants, I know it's hard but restaurants specifically make their food fatty and delicious to get their customers back. It's their business strategy while we get delicious food we have zero control of salt, sauce, oil, cream and every component that is added to the dish. If I did eat McDonalds- once a month- I ordered 2-3 pieces of hot and spicy thigh only and water. Its delicious and you're full. I replaced burgers by using chicken patties,  salad and roti to make wraps. 

Few weeks later Karthik told me that he also started to eat roti most of the time. Can you believe it??! I felt so good and accomplished because my bae was adapting my good habits while he was in America and I was in Fiji. I probably did impose my habits on him while being so far away. Heres a note, I never asked him to do that but I always encouraged him, told him how it was helping me. It was his decision to make that lifestyle change and that is important. If you force some changes on people, especially drastic changes, they may do it out of the love they have for you but they won't be able to keep up with this new imposed habit basically because they did not want it themselves in the first place. 

In most household, ladies are the ones who cook, but even men if you handle the food in your house you can control what your family eats. Replace salt with lemon, add more vegetables, cut on sugar slowly. Your family's tastebuds wouldn't realize the small changes and soon it would be their habits without them realizing. It's hard because some family members are too uptight about their food but then again if not them then just do it for your ownself only. 

Take charge of your relationship and start by eating healthy and exercising. Your wife or husband deserves the healthy version of you. Dont you want to be free of heart disease, blood pressure problems. People end up spending years of their lives taking care of their partners who have had strokes and we do not want to this to be our reality as well. Wouldnt you want to be able to wear lingerie and feel all sexy. Wouldnt you want to be able to hold and lift your wives and "show off" your strength(lovingly). 

I know it's hard to lose weight, making dietary changes is hard but guess what- battling heart disease, stroke, paralysis, cancer, depression and broken marriage is harder. Choose which hard would you want to be part of your life.  

It's high time to break that generational curse of unhealthy lifestyle. 

YOU ARE FAT. When a word became my entire Identity

 All my life I've been trying to shed some pounds. My arms were too big, thighs were way too bulky, breasts, tummy,  double chin and everything. It was embarrassing to wear clothes with no sleeves because of all the stretchmarks on my arms and chest. Shorts literally tears apart at groin after few wears. My jeans used have get holes at the place the thighs rub together.  

Being fat is one thing but being uncomfortable in what I wore and unable to sit comfortably because I was large was traumatizing mentally. I obviously was bullied for my weight and it continues till today. Imagine how would you feel if the first thing people notice about you and make the effort to point it out is your lifes main flaw(in your head) when they meet you on street/home/school. Men of my village see me in town and they would call out to me "moti"(fat in hindi). My brothers would tease me with another Indian slang for large people. "What do you eat"  "are you eating grower(food for poultry for them to grow)", "the car skidded on the road because Swashna was in the car". Once I walked past a table in the classroom when I was in class 4 and the table happened to fall at that exact moment and my headteacher was in my classroom at that time as well. He pointed out loudly in class that "the table fell because of Swashna since she is too fat". Once a random woman in a clothing store said to me, "you should chop your breast off so clothes can fit you".  Cameras and scales were my worst enemy because when I saw either I used to get palpitations and become extremely scared and anxious. I was embarrassed of who I was. 

You're fat fat fat. Everywhere I went. I have had distorted self image for years. Punching myself in my belly/arms asking myself why I am so big.

 

Obviously I ate a lot. I ate food mindlessly. Eating late night and sleeping instantly. I had interest in sports but because of my low self esteem due to the bullying I got for my weight i never participated in any sports. Honestly till today I regret it because that would have helped me shed those fat back then. It was so darn weird because there were people bigger than me in some places but it was still just me who got the backlash. I had tried intermittent fasting, avoid eating sugar. I had tried but it didn't work because I never persisted with it for more than 2 days. I spent more time worrying and crying about losing weight than actually truly trying to lose weight. I had no knowledge about calories, carbohydrates and basically nutrition back then. So I made grave mistakes. Crash dieting where I dont eat for 18 hours then eat mindlessly for hours. 

Right now, i am still big. Holidays are the hardest when you're trying to lose weight. The comfort food, relaxing environment with barely walking around. Snacks. Yes it's easy to say no. I have resisted food for months but it's not always easy to persue with that "no". Also it would be more hard for one person compared to another. "Eat it, its festive season", "eat it, we don't know when you'll come back". Well I let my guard down. I did gain few kgs. Was it worth it- well yes and no. Food was obviously great but now I am focused on the flabs. Am i sad? Absolutely NOT. I am not at all sad because I have been dissatisfied with myself for whole of my childhood and teen years. 

I have made myself miserable thinking of too low of myself. I had weighed myself when I was 40kg as a 9 year old, 80kgs as a 18 year old and 109kgs as a 22 year old. Obviously I did not try everything to lose weight because if I did I would have lost it all but today at 89kg and 24 years old I know what I have to do. I know what i don't have to do. I know what my journey comprises of and i will help everyone I can. 

But first and foremost, I immensely love myself. I love my body, I love my marks/scars and keloids. It completes me and makes me into who I am today. Gaining weight and losing weight is part of my journey. Being human we are all imperfect and make mistakes I've decided to choose to acknowledge my mistakes of what I ate and work on myself. Never forget, everyone is a work in progress. This is the entire meaning of journey- you keep moving forward, you alter your techniques, you learn from your mistakes. There is no destination to reach it is just a lifelong journey of loving our bodies and respecting it. 

I love food but I love my body more, I love that I can understand how much my body needs to survive. I love that now I enjoy food without feeling bad about it afterwards. I love that I have the mentality to accept my body as I am- imperfectly perfect. I accept my mistakes but I would NEVER beat myself up for it. I will NEVER giveup on my journey. Choice is mine and I choose to continue my journey with healthier food choice. It's never too late to start and once you do a halt does not mean the journey has ended- it's just a temporary pause.