All my life I've been trying to shed some pounds. My arms were too big, thighs were way too bulky, breasts, tummy, double chin and everything. It was embarrassing to wear clothes with no sleeves because of all the stretchmarks on my arms and chest. Shorts literally tears apart at groin after few wears. My jeans used have get holes at the place the thighs rub together.
Being fat is one thing but being uncomfortable in what I wore and unable to sit comfortably because I was large was traumatizing mentally. I obviously was bullied for my weight and it continues till today. Imagine how would you feel if the first thing people notice about you and make the effort to point it out is your lifes main flaw(in your head) when they meet you on street/home/school. Men of my village see me in town and they would call out to me "moti"(fat in hindi). My brothers would tease me with another Indian slang for large people. "What do you eat" "are you eating grower(food for poultry for them to grow)", "the car skidded on the road because Swashna was in the car". Once I walked past a table in the classroom when I was in class 4 and the table happened to fall at that exact moment and my headteacher was in my classroom at that time as well. He pointed out loudly in class that "the table fell because of Swashna since she is too fat". Once a random woman in a clothing store said to me, "you should chop your breast off so clothes can fit you". Cameras and scales were my worst enemy because when I saw either I used to get palpitations and become extremely scared and anxious. I was embarrassed of who I was.
You're fat fat fat. Everywhere I went. I have had distorted self image for years. Punching myself in my belly/arms asking myself why I am so big.
Obviously I ate a lot. I ate food mindlessly. Eating late night and sleeping instantly. I had interest in sports but because of my low self esteem due to the bullying I got for my weight i never participated in any sports. Honestly till today I regret it because that would have helped me shed those fat back then. It was so darn weird because there were people bigger than me in some places but it was still just me who got the backlash. I had tried intermittent fasting, avoid eating sugar. I had tried but it didn't work because I never persisted with it for more than 2 days. I spent more time worrying and crying about losing weight than actually truly trying to lose weight. I had no knowledge about calories, carbohydrates and basically nutrition back then. So I made grave mistakes. Crash dieting where I dont eat for 18 hours then eat mindlessly for hours.
Right now, i am still big. Holidays are the hardest when you're trying to lose weight. The comfort food, relaxing environment with barely walking around. Snacks. Yes it's easy to say no. I have resisted food for months but it's not always easy to persue with that "no". Also it would be more hard for one person compared to another. "Eat it, its festive season", "eat it, we don't know when you'll come back". Well I let my guard down. I did gain few kgs. Was it worth it- well yes and no. Food was obviously great but now I am focused on the flabs. Am i sad? Absolutely NOT. I am not at all sad because I have been dissatisfied with myself for whole of my childhood and teen years.
I have made myself miserable thinking of too low of myself. I had weighed myself when I was 40kg as a 9 year old, 80kgs as a 18 year old and 109kgs as a 22 year old. Obviously I did not try everything to lose weight because if I did I would have lost it all but today at 89kg and 24 years old I know what I have to do. I know what i don't have to do. I know what my journey comprises of and i will help everyone I can.
But first and foremost, I immensely love myself. I love my body, I love my marks/scars and keloids. It completes me and makes me into who I am today. Gaining weight and losing weight is part of my journey. Being human we are all imperfect and make mistakes I've decided to choose to acknowledge my mistakes of what I ate and work on myself. Never forget, everyone is a work in progress. This is the entire meaning of journey- you keep moving forward, you alter your techniques, you learn from your mistakes. There is no destination to reach it is just a lifelong journey of loving our bodies and respecting it.
I love food but I love my body more, I love that I can understand how much my body needs to survive. I love that now I enjoy food without feeling bad about it afterwards. I love that I have the mentality to accept my body as I am- imperfectly perfect. I accept my mistakes but I would NEVER beat myself up for it. I will NEVER giveup on my journey. Choice is mine and I choose to continue my journey with healthier food choice. It's never too late to start and once you do a halt does not mean the journey has ended- it's just a temporary pause.
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