A day after i was punched in my Gut by An OSCE

 Time truly does heal us. From feeling incredibly pathetic and worthless to redirecting into feeling better little by little. It's crazy how we humans process emotions and progress. I almost always talk to my boyfriend about all the shitty moment and he helps me work through it. 

Although this time I was like hmmmm... till when I should ask him for help. I'd have to face them myself rather them breakdowning in pieces infront of my boyfriend and he would say things that would help me get through it. So that's what I did I spent the whole day by myself and had a good cry for awhile. I went nuts for awhile and washed 3 loads of laundry, got some goooood fried chicken, binge watched The Hunger Games, went for grocery shopping with my roommate. Got home. From morning till evening I thought about the how inexplicably badly I did in the OSCE. I was so gutted I didnt even celebrate the end of my block as i had planned whole week. But well after I got home, watched more movies, found another awesome mate of mine got same OSCE case and did great (but somehow I was really happy for her genuinely). My roommate made dinner for both of us and I ended my night watching you tube lecture on "underachievement". 

Today is the very next day, from past experiences I would have felt the same big sack of sad lump in my stomach, my mind running about recollecting the scenario thinking how I could have done differently. But hold and behold I actually feel contented with myself. 

It really was just a bad day, it's not a bad life. 

The struggling life of a student

As a medical student I am customized over the years to study and study hard. 

I honestly dont even remember a single day I might have spent not doing something studying related since I entered medical school. I am a hardworking student actually. Things dont come to me naturally and I have to work my butt off to remember things. Active recall, flashcards, rewriting, watching videos, quizzes everything that's basically I am suppose to do. 

I want to be a doctor so bad but this journey punches me down somedays. Feeling stupid because of a bad grade. When deep down I know it doesnt define me as a student but let's get real grades gets me closer to my goal. The news is that this journey ain't getting any easier anytime soon. More exams, more studying more grades are on my way in next years when I take my journey through step exams. 

But every cell in my body doubts my ability and I feel like crap. Like getting punched in my gut after working hard for weeks if I cannot get a good grade in here how am I suppose to do on steps. I guess I just have to keep breathing, keep going. 

I really hope it's just a bad day and not a bad life. If anyone reads this. I hope you feel better soon. 

THE MIND IS MY HAVEN AND SOMETIMES AN ENEMY

Woah. Sometimes our own thoughts can be so toxic. Here we cant even blame someone else. Maybe you're also battling with some feeling that is so out of your control. I feel them too and there are so many people out there. Driven by enormous overpowering emotions affecting our everyday life. 

It's so easy to have yourself entangled into multiple of emotions everyday. Sometimes I feel like why cant we have a switch that with one flick just makes us stop feeling something. Sometimes I sleep at night and my mind races so fast. Flying from one aspect of my life to another  so fast that sometimes I could hear my thoughts.

 

Why am i usually so negative about myself? I dont do it on purpose but why is it so easy to think of something bad about yourself than something good. Mind dwells on those imperfections that are part of me and that will always be part of me. 

May be I dont think about good things about myself because I feel somehow I am not entitled to such a compliment. Even if it's from me to my ownself. It is so easy to think that I am not good enough and give up on something than to think I am good enough and achieve even bigger things. 

But we have come so long way through our life. We came to this world not even knowing how to hold our head but we learnt it. We learnt how to crawl, how to sit up without falling. We learnt how to talk and we learnt so many things. We can also learn to think at least one good thing about us. We can also learn to give ourselves that break from gigantic thoughts that pressurize us daily. We can learn to love ourselves. But first we must give ourselves that one chance. We owe it our ownself.