I really hope I can relate to someone but how many times have I just scrolled through Instagram looking at those videos on muckbang eating (without the sound). Its not the eating but the food that fascinated me since I was a kid till today.
Till i was 22 years old i had the worst relation with food. From hiding them in my clothes basket to eating whenever I could. Nothing helped. Honestly I don't think there is one particular thing that could help someone like me. There are definitely various options but everything at the end of the day just depends on how willing am I to be consistent with acquiring better "behavior" I guess. I remember as a kid I used to imagine myself in scenarios where I'd have to choose just one thing to eat forever and I'd choose fried chicken and chips, or I'd just have one meal wait for clock to tick away till I have the next meal. It wasnt particularly the meal but it was the type of meal. The junk, oily, sweet, meat literally anything that was deep fried or basically had very low nutritious value.
I used to get so angry when my mum gave me food in moderation because she was only trying to help me. But for me it was outrageous and something that I thought she was doing because she didnt love me enough. Little did I know my war was never with my mother or everyone who bullied me for being fat. It was a war that was me against myself. Me against my own habits and me against my own mind and body.
I just stood under the shower, maybe when I was 10-12 years old punching myself in my belly and crying thinking why am I not like the other kids who are so athletic and why am I not like my cousin who was so pretty and so petite. Engulfed in my own toxic cycle of feeling guilty, then eating to make myself feel better and then just feeling guilty and crying then having a short lived epiphany of changing my life and then the next day my cycle just repeated itself all over again. And again.
When I think about my time as a kid I feel nothing but so sorry for the child inside me who was beating herself up. I wish instead of all my family who made the jokes about me which they thought were "cute" instead they all came and helped me genuinely. I wish instead of my teacher who called me out in middle of playground just gave me that last bit of motivation instead. I wish the kid in me just got the help she really needed.
Well truth be told she didnt get the help she needed when she was young. But today I am so proud of myself that I helped my ownself. Even if it took over 20 years but I helped my own self. Yes, my battle is still on with food, with my body image but at least I am better than I was a year ago and alot alot better now than I was 10 years back. I thank myself for that.
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