I had imagined and prayed and wished for this day since I had realized how much love I had for this guy. Today, I am here writing this and my heart is happy but also terrified. All these years apart had taught me to live a life to live with him yet without him. He has waited for this day to hold my hand forever and be with me forever more than even I could imagine. Yet i cannot help but think of what if i am unable to keep him happy. What if I am not the good wife he deserves to have.
I am someone who plans ahead of everything. I love reading manuals or literature about things I am new to to become better and versed with before I jump into the real deal. Now it feels like I am so unaware of the situation. I've lost that sense of handle and control. There is no guideline for me to follow. I have had 9 years to prepare for this yet I feel so lost. Unprepared.
As I write, i realize how i am stealing the joy out of this journey I have been put into. Stealing the happiness that i deserve, undoubtedly. It has had me question if I am that ungrateful of all the great things I have been blessed with.
How ridiculous i find myself to even go through this emotion because obviously I cannot control the future. I find it so ridiculous that I don't even talk about it to anyone but write it all here.
I have been in this relationship for long enough to know that I have found my soulmate. Every amazing thing in my life is through him. I couldn't even live a day without him. After all these emotion and strong connection I have with him, why am i still so nervous. Yes, it is a normal human emotion, a valid response to change yet with nervousness I also have doubts. Doubts that i cannot even hide. Doubts of what if our relationship doesn't last because of petty issues, what if he isnt happy with me, what if we are just not compatible enough to live our lives together after spending so much time apart.
I wish so much that I wouldnt feel this way yet here I am. I have no doubt that he will make the most amazing husband for me. Would i be able to reciprocate? We both have personalities that are different. I am loud and chirpy and he is quiet and calm. I question that how would we even vibe together. Goodness, I have exhausted my mind from all this over thought, overwhelming feelings. These situations that hasnt even happened and I am already thinking about it and doing a meta-analysis about it.
I guess this is what life is. Get thrown into the water so either swim or drown. Yet I know he would never let me drown. He would be sitting in a canoe waiting for me to just see him there, waiting for me, waiting for me to give my hand so he can pull me out of the water. I am so grateful for this life and my husband. To fight these overpowering emotion may not all happen at once but I know that with him I can conquer any obstacle.
These doubts and nervousness would have been there probably even if we had spent 10years living together and were about to get married or have a baby. Unfortunately, I have been programmed into a person who over thinks but I like to think that my over-thinking just assures how much I care. It helps me realize that the love I have in my heart is as genuine as it can get.
It still scares the pants off me but I cannot wait to finally hug my man at that airport and finally feel at home knowing I will never say goodbye to him ever again.
