My Diary part 2- New is always scary

We are obsessed with trying everything that is in trend. The new thing, just because everyone is doing it, it becomes our own favourite thing too. There is no specific great reason attached to it, its just the thrill. Just like that dating someone online is also scary. There are a lot of crappy people out there who are ready to take advantage of you for  your money, body and what not. It is very risky to be chatting away giving up personal information away to so many people you barely know. I mean right now there are so so many profiles floating around and with one click you can see almost entire lifetime of so many people all across the globe. You see their kids, their cats and dogs, the new carpet they got, the skin product they use and so many things. 

I had always had the fear to trust my husband in the beginning of our relationship. There was nothing that made me suspicious actively but the idea of him being so far away, us never meeting and that we just knew about each other from the things we told each other. Those were enough reasons for me to not be able to trust him even as a friend initially. There was a lotta chatting, talking involved but never had there been an uncomfortable situation or when I would feel unsafe. 

The internet is a scary thing honestly. Right here you are reading this and I am a complete stranger to you yet you know that I met my husband on Facebook. I don't feel I was wrong when i did not trust hubs for a long time. The idea of trust is very simple for me. It is a learning process. I watch, hear, see and observe every single thing before I make my decision of who is and who isn't worthy of my trust. It is so easy for people to break trust as soon as they want acceptance from elsewhere. I am not entitled but I respect myself enough to make it clear that my trust isn't won over a cup of coffee. I mean everyone of us want love, friendship and acceptance really fast so we can easily fall into trusting people with what is in our mind so that they can reciprocate. I say get rid of the bullock idea and redefine how you let people enter your life. It took me almost 3 years of talking to hubs and then I could really trust him and then another 2years so i could have him introduced to my parents and be confident enough to tell them that he is the one. I had been questioned so many times that why would i trust someone i met over a social media. Initially, my answer would be something blank of "ummm i dont know" and change the topic. Few years later, it was because I have talked to him every single day of my life, because I have been explained what is going on in his life with a key of consistency. There is tremendous effort put into making sure I was always talked to respectfully and without invasion of my privacy. There has been introductions of friends, colleagues and family over the phone. There has been not a single shred of doubt implanted by any action that he would have done if he werent faithful. Honestly, I was always learning and he was too. We were in love, madly in love. Ready to commit to each other and be together. 

The eagerness to meet and embrace each other and show how much love i had for him was my dream. I would look out of the window, looking at the moon in the dark dark sky and think, someday I will look at this same moon with him. 

Within a few months into the relationship, this future actually started to look little blurry. Life always had a way to throw him at a curveball. Failures became a new trend. It was no longer a romantic season. Tests were starting and things started to get hard and questionable. 

My Diary Part 1

 Today is 7th December, 2022 and 2 weeks before our 1st wedding anniversary. It has been years since I have known my husband but the learning continues. We have faced many ups and few downs through the year. Going down the memories, it was the most bizarre way to meet your husband especially when we both lived in different countries more than 6000miles apart and when it happened when smartphones and internet was not that famous. 

It all started with a friend request sent by me on facebook to a random guy. He did not even have many personal picture as his profile picture. Huge red flag but well who would explain that to the 15 year old me. A random request, he surprisingly accepted and we started to talk. It was completely non-flirtateous from the start. We were merely talking once a week because I was a very hardworking high school student. Jokes. I did not have access to internet during the week and could only go online during the weekend. 

As he moved from India to United States, he would share his experiences with me. Actually, now when I think hard it was less of experiences and more of talking about his emotional experience of being away from his country. The struggles of an immigrant in a strange far away country, where people didn't look, speak and behave like he did. It was new and scary. The joy of being able to indulge it all in a stanger far away without any judgement seem like a safe game for him. The missing of family, friends, home food. The facing of discrimination, financial turmoil and academic failure came along as he tried his best to make a living. 

Before it gets too intense lets come back to today. I am sitting on the couch of our apartment, it is 6.40am and our christmas tree is standing in the corner. If I stop typing and hear very closely, I can hear him snoring lightly just few meters away in our bedroom. The story that start 10 years, 4 months and 22 days back is still going on today. A girl from Fiji islands and a guy from India making it happen in USA. 

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Living with criticism

 We are constantly surrounded by opinionated people either in our house or in the workplace. We cannot change that. Everyone who knows you at some level have some opinion about you right on top of their head or if asked they can surely come up with something. This can be a nice thing or something that isn't so pleasant. Critical comments usually does not mean much if suppose a stranger says it on the roadside out of blue but if same thing is said by someone close, someone you love, it can be so hurtful. 

This can come as an honest help from that person to allow good changes in your life and help you to reach your potential that even you can't see. It firstly requires an extreme amount of closeness to the person you are to to feel comfortable to even pass that critical comment. It can be your mother or husband or even your kid. Even if the motive is purely to be honest and helpful it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt us because usually we become focused on making those we love happy and satisfied but when they return it with an overly critical comment it can break our hearts. 

To combat this firstly, we have to accept the fact that these comments are not the entire definition of our existence and doesn't prophesize how our life will be. It can be merely based on few hours of observation or even said in heat of the moment. The truth and that is the ultimate truth is known by no one but you. You know if the words that are spoken are true or not. Our ego may get into the way and our guards go up that says "No, I am not like this. This person is just attacking me". This is a normal reaction that so many of us have because we are made in a way that we protect our feelings and ourselves. This guard and defense system we have can blurry our vision to take a step back and self analyze on how we are, how we spend the 24-hours in a day that God so graciously and equally gave all of us. You and I are the only people who understand our own selves the best. We know what we do every second of the day. We know how we function, what we feel about our day or about someone else. If you can read and understand this, I am pretty sure you also know the difference between the right and wrong. Another persons' criticism may linger in your mind for what a day or 2 or a week at best then you would forget it. Therefore, it is so important to realize honestly and unegositically if the criticism must be taken positively and changes should be made in your life or if the comment was just bogus. The faster we analyse, the less time we spend being unnecessarily sad or bitter and more time is spent on self improvement. 

There are some overly critical extremely hard to please people out there and there always will be one. Sometimes, you are even married to one. It can be extremely hard to not stand up for yourself and defend yourself every time what you did wrong is picked on but what you do well is just looked over. Most of us have unending thirst for those praises but when met with criticism it just takes a toll on our whole perception of ourselves or our relationship with that person. When this happens, it is so hard to bite back your tongue and hold those nasty things you can say just to hurt the other person but it is necessary because we gave a chance to that person to be critical of us. WE gave the chance and just through improving that situation in future we snatch back that chance. Although, living with someone who just finds bad in everything you do is a whole new story. There is firstly not a problem in you but most likely that bitter person is just an unsatisfied sad soul. These situation where you feel trapped with a person who puts you down and never appreciates you is a HUGE walking talking RED FLAG because there is no way in heavens that someone who truly loves you would ever put you through that turmoil. 

Might as well take that stand, tell them off and stand your ground. Sometimes holding on too long can hurt you a lot more than just letting go of the person or that relationship. 

My Reality

I used to think that I needed to be surrounded by many people. Friends, family, pet and what not but as I grow up I realize that alone I am somewhat happier. Don't get me wrong I don't despise humans or animals but I realize that I don't need twenty people around me to make me feel happy and excited and bring about reason and light into my life. As I have moved into the new country I left behind 25 years of my life  which had friends and family 2 seconds away. now i am mostly on my own even when i have friends here it's still not the same. That is my reality and to be honest I am kind of getting used to it because I realize I enjoy my own company. I have always enjoyed friends and being that social butterfly to bring laughter in a group but at the end of the day what matters is how much do I enjoy myself. When I come back home how much appreciative I am of myself. We get so busy just reflecting everyone else's personalities mixed with our own that we can even forget what is our own reality until we are alone and there is no one watching. That's when our thoughts, ideas and actions define the true us. There aren't many people in this world who know us in and out. Not even our spouse. I think it is just us who knows ourselves the best then why not enjoy ourselves, right? right? Everyone has different ways to be happy. For some its traveling, others maybe shopping, the rest maybe cooking or eating and some even cleaning. Some love reading, some gossiping (hehe thats okay, I do too). Just to be clear, most of us are usually can afford or even take out time for the little things. some of us are so busy working that we forgot to even have a hobby. That is okay, it's not too late even. We just gotta stop the wait for someone else or a village to make us happy or bring about reason to our lives right. It can be so, so, so hard when we see the glorious lives on instagram and snapchat of couples taking trips and people celebrating thanksgiving together but trust me my friend, those time is just for couple of hours or days. All those people return to their homes and lives after few days and are by themselves in bed and what matters is-- are they happy by themselves. No number of sweet people will ever be able to help you be happy if you are not happy by yourself. I guess what people say is actually true, happiness starts from within. Have a cup of hot chocolate and smile. I know it's not a trip to Bali but a thousand mile journey starts with a single step right. Even if you're 60 or 30-  better late than never. 

THINKING TOO MUCH AND DOING TOO LESS

This may start off as a rant but half of my work usually remains undone because I spend more time on  contemplating to do or not to do it rather then to actually doing it. How much time do I personally spend on;

 1. thinking how much I have to do? 

2. How I WILL do it and WHY should I delay it and do something else instead.

3. Why doing something that is helpful to me as a person is less important than doing something for my family instead.

Take for example working out, everyday I have a courtroom drama in my head that ah maybe I won't work out today because I have to catch up on studying or will catch up on my house chores. This is regardless the time I spend just scrolling through Instagram which is easily an hour per day. This one hour I can still scroll through IG while on treadmill or whatever but noo noo nooooo I persist on sitting on the couch!!

I can be kind to myself and tell myself that no, I am not actually lazy which I really am not in the conventional way. I mean my house is clean, I do get done with whatever I put on my plate but what bothers is my strategy and the process of how I get things done. Oh, how frustrating it becomes when I know I have to do something yet I will battle with myself about how I shall postpone it. Yet, when it comes to eating, watching some movies or scroll through social media I become the master of surety and decision making is done within seconds. Then why oh why do I spend so much time into thinking when it comes to do things that are beneficial for me. Like, going to the gym, writing my resume, keeping up with my blog and keeping up with my podcast.

 To be honest, now it is not a feeling but I know for sure that the more time we put into thinking about doing something good the more late we are going to get into accomplishing it. Maybe it is the absence of the self-confidence or believe I may have in myself about being able to do that particular thing or reach that particular goal yet by delaying it does not make things any better. Then why should I waste so much of my precious time into planning and prepping. Yes, this would be good for big decisions which need a great meta-analysis although the minute decisions that keeps our homes clean, us healthy and keeps our life uncluttered should be done like a reflex. 

It always feels like a high time to stop living in my head and living out there in the real world. Make new friends and gain new experiences. There is so much that you and I are capable of achieving if we just let ourselves out of the prison of over-analyzing and over-thinking. I believe that everyday should never be repetitive and there should and must be new things or different things incorporated in our daily lives. Be that doing a new zumba dance or doing some painting. All these new things would only be possible if we allow it into our lives, right? This is only possible if we stop postponing things.

How do we allow it and what are even these new things? I can't afford travelling to some new place or pay for a daily new experience but what I can do is small things that keeps me busy and gives me a perception of an active and productive life. It can be so boring to live in the rut of repetitive life; of taking care of kids, doing daily chores and just trying to keep the laundry basket empty that we can so easily lose ourselves to these demands. The somewhat spare time at hand will surely be up as well though it is our choice to how to spend them. Either to spend it overthinking or thinking of things we can do or actually moving our bums and doing them. It doesn't have to be bungee jumping but we have to find ourselves in little things. It can start with taking a walk. Then it can be reading a few pages of a book. Or it can be a picnic just in the balcony soaking up the afternoon warmth as the sun sets over the horizon. 

Lets get moving boys and girls. Lets think a little less and do a little more. You have thought enough. Now its time to live. 

Restless, running, HIDING. OUR CHOICE, OUR AFTERMATH

lets talk here.. the inflation is kicking a$$. everything is crazy expensive. those making lives through tiktok and social media just seem to thrive. we are more concerned about AH vs JD case than well anything else. so much is going on around us and in our heads. sometimes seems like everything around us is so bright and happy and then bam a lunatic does something around the country and basic humanity is questioned. i feel like *some* countries are more protective about the baby who isn't even born yet by being adamant about anti-abortion than for the kids who are already here. where is this protectiveness for kids and babies who are already here on this earth. what about their protection? you need to be 21 to buy alcohol but 18 to buy G? makes me question where is GOD? why this inhumane acts occurring all around the world when God is suppose to love and protect us. then i remember it is US. we are the culprit of all this terror and wars. hunger for power and political supremacy. it all comes down to the same ideology EVERY ACTION HAS A CONSEQUENCE. Our actions has consequence. Good and bad it all one day will come around to us and show us if it was indeed a right way. Makes me think that i might as well not do anything at all. doing nothing means no consequence, right?? well, life isn't really going to work that way no matter how much you would want it to. Life is really simple if we just do the right thing. how hard is it? why is there so much political questioning over doing right compared to doing wrong. we are so blessed that so many things in life we have comes with so many options. such as DON'T EAT UNHEALTHY. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. DON'T BE VIOLENT. CONTROL YOUR ANGER. LAUGH AT SILLY THINGS. BE HAPPY. DON'T OVERTHINK. i feel whoever is reading this right now definitely has the blessing of choice in life. so many in this world who don't have choice. so many people are pushed into situations where they dont have a choice because their country leaders made a choice that was selfish or when another lunatic made an awful choice. Honestly, life is all about chances and choice. we can always choose to be better. how willing are we? if we are just lazy then there will be no change in us. except we will just lose precious days of our lives worthlessly when we could have just tried a little bit harder. You and I don't have to make a huge change in this world because well that is not possible but we can surely make a change in our life. in our home. in our relationships. in our community. why wait for an opportunity that someone else will ask for your help and then you will go and help. why wait? why not randomly one day take $10 and buy someone a hygiene pack. why not buy your mum some flowers or go just sit with your grandma. why not just take yourself out for the day? go to the beach or go for some window shopping (again inflation is here so don't waste money you don't have ha ha). all i am trying to say is we can choose to heal. we can choose to be a better person. we can choose to be hardworking and we can choose to make little difference everyday. maybe it wont solve big problems in this world such as world hunger/ global warming and world peace but it will make you peaceful at some level. choose while you can because it is a true privilege that so so so many dont have. what are you waiting for. ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. Now go and workout. 

okay byeee! sending my sunshine across to you.  

A Little Pinch of Faith

Probably not everyday in life but every now and then we are in the realm of life changing chapters of our own stories. Making decisions, getting things done and making sure to not leave any stone unturned as we hope for the best outcome of what we are expecting. I found myself in this exact position a week back and man was it gut wrenchingly stressful. Every single second my mind would wander away thinking about it and it left me unable to focus on my studying for my exam (thats in 3 months by the way). 

I realize how our minds are definitely strong just as we are but it also is quite fragile. It is so easy to let ourselves float away with anxiety and frustration when there is something really big going on in our lives. We can seek comfort in our partners but when you're by yourself it can be hard. Even with partners we can't always rely on them to make us feel better. These little battles in our minds would appear minute in someone else's view but it still does steal our peace despite being "not a big deal". 

While I fought my own anxiety, I had let myself lose focus on my other work. I started eating junk food and felt like crying sometimes because it seemed so overwhelming to me. This is when I know I need help. Not from somebody else but from myself. It comes from within because guess what no matter how much we would like someone else to fight our battles that someone else is busy with their own business. Everyone has something to figure out and I am here to help myself grow mentally, physically, spiritually. 

To be honest, listening to sermons is my go to rescue everytime I am overwhelmed, reading my holy book and just being refocused on who actually is the controller of every trivial and gigantic detail of our lives. No matter how much facts I look at, at the end of the day what brings me peace is knowing and having faith that things will work out. 

Yes, in that moment I don't even see any change but isn't that the real test of my faith. The prayers and scriptures that I say and read it all would be of no use if in the time of real test I don't have faith. 

This faith is like a calm in the midst of tornado. The contentment of knowing and acknowledging that even if I don't know the outcome that does not mean things aren't changing. This is the magic about having faith. It isn't something that is automatically instilled in me. It is something I build and I work on everyday. Mind you, the first 2 days I had anxiety attack and bouts of crying because I couldn't be any more patient. Then day 3 came when I seeked help to strength my faith. 

While sitting on my couch that same afternoon I was studying for my test. Then a little fruit of thought came in my mind. It was like I was speaking to myself and told myself that I am going to be faithful and I will be patient while this storm passes. In that very moment I got a phone call and was told that what I had been waiting for and somewhere expected it not to be "approved" for months was completed and approved in just 3 days.  

This is the power of faith.  

Dominant and Submissive. What are you?

I can't even remember the last time I was single. Right since high school i had been in love --online-- (not porn but with my boyfriend i found on facebook) then we finally met after 5 years then met again every year until we got married this year right amidst Covid in the city hall. 

I have always heard that partners are complimentary to each other. As much as I want to convince myself that it is an equal partnership I keep leaning towards the idea that its more like a dominant submissive type of relationship that's more common. While one of them is self sufficient, the other is maybe a hint more needy. Both are great as individual people but when brought together there is ONE alpha. Which one is it? Who even decides which one it is?

And its not always the man who's the alpha by the way. 

It brings about a great relationship overall but then how to avoid the feeling of "less". It can be a tricky one because if we let feelings drive our entire life it WILL be a wreck. At some point sensibility and practicality must be added. In such a relationship, the submission of the "weak link" can cause troubles just as much as the boldness of the stronger one. We are humans and we have limits. Despite all the love we both can accumulate there will be frustrating time. Screaming, yelling and saying mean things. Yes, loving each other unconditionally IS hard. 

At the end of the day, love isn't enough. There are huge scoops of multiple things needed to make and keep a relationship alive. You need to sync together without even trying, splatters of laughter and inside jokes. There's need for respect. Big one--need for space. As much as us weak link love to keep clinging onto our partners, he or she needs their space. That is not bad. That is how they are and they have been for years. Self sufficient, remember? Maybe they wouldn't want to hurt us by saying the words (well sometimes they don't even hold back) but yes, we need to start listening to the silence. 

It is a work in progress. It is love but as much as I hate to say it, it is also WORK. Nothing comes easy in this world anymore, mi amore. We gotta even work at our relationships. Stop waiting for everything that happens on your screens to happen in real life as well. I am saying it again, PEOPLE DON'T SHARE BAD THINGS HAPPENING IN THEIR LIFE ON SOCIAL MEDIA which doesn't mean BAD THINGS DONT HAPPEN. 

Guess what!!??!! Shit happens with EVERYONE and we gotta deal with it. 

Anyways coming to the submissive partner. It ain't our partners fault we feel unheard of sometimes. Honestly, it is somewhat us as well(yes, a toxic partner is not an exception-- there is a huge difference between toxic and strong partner). 

I feel the word "toxic" and "red flag" gets thrown around so easily nowadays that even the slightest thing about someone else would make us feel they're toxic. This is where deep understanding of each other comes in. Communication comes in. Accountability comes in. Acceptance comes in. Just one person cannot make a relationship work. You need each other. Doesn't matter if you have to "have the talk"  more than 10 times. 

As a person with a challenged ability to see myself as a strong person, I come off as the weaker one. I cry easily, I feel bad easily. I feel better even faster. These are qualities of me. My husband gives me all the love he has most of the time but then again he needs his space too. This is where my maturity comes in. I need to recognize his needs just as he recognizes mine. 

Then there are times, I just get sick of being told what to do all the time. It makes me think I cannot do a single damn thing without him correcting me. Thats frustrating as well! Well, he is trying to help and makes sure I don't make mistakes but sometimes when he recognizes that and let me do my thing-- well I made mistakes and got pissed at him for not giving me a heads up. Well, well, well... didn't I say--IT IS WORK!! 

At the end of the day, as the night fall comes in. The chill in the air. I don't want any anger to linger. Even if it is work, there still are great vacation days where we are just in sync. After a long, tiring day I want to sleep in our bed, peacefully together without any doubt to be somewhere else. Because guess what? When I see him, I just know he is where I belong. Do you feel belonged? 

Am I Jealous of Others Success? MAYBE.

When it is a second nature kind of thing to get inspired by others success stories is there someone else out there who gets anxious as well. Its not jealously. It is rather an unsettling feeling of the entire path I have to take to get to that end point. Am I even good enough to reach that? 

It may seem such an irrational "fear" because everyone has different journeys, different routes and different opportunities yet the feeling sometimes lingers and becomes distracting. I have my husband tell me to not worry about the things that hasn't even happened yet and to basically cross the bridge when I come to it but then my mind jumps in wondering----is my bridge even there???? 

Sometimes I can just think myself into crushing self doubt. Just then I realize that I am NOT utilizing my time well and have been spending way too much time on either Facebook or Instagram. Watching others stories and lives on my screen. Secretly wishing I also had some of the "good news" they were sharing as well. 

My life isn't even sad. Maybe I am greedy to everytime want something more and something else. Instead of being inspired by others happy days and success to being kind of discontent is what has become most peoples second nature--myself included. In all this I keep forgetting that every person sharing their success has definitely had a day where they just had fallen on their knees, maybe metaphorically and just broken down in sorrow. Well, people don't share that obviously because no one wants anyone to see them at their worst. Everyone wants to share the good things only but that doesn't mean bad things didn't happen. 

Anyways, apart from just the good old friend called Low self esteem I think it's just an idea of not actually making a difference around you while you're working towards something that may have an added impact on not feeling good enough. Its most likely because the reward of any good work is a good review. Like treating a patient or teaching a student. Basically imparting and utilizing what we know in real life. Well we can't basically show our full caliber if we aren't in the niche we are suppose to be and to get to that niche we have this huge ass road to take and then again we are back to square one. Scrolling through the phone and seeing someone who has reached that last phase and you're there in middle of preparing for the first step. Someones long journey coming to an end (i don't mean death) while you're a beginner. When would I make a real difference? 

Well no frigging idea. 

Can I stop freaking out about the whole journey and just focus on the good stuff like I don't  lack a part of my body or i have chronic pain and even worse that I don't have to go through what so many people do go through like hunger, abuse and wars.. Yes, things that goes in a head are such a first world problem. Its probably not even a real problem.