A Little Pinch of Faith

Probably not everyday in life but every now and then we are in the realm of life changing chapters of our own stories. Making decisions, getting things done and making sure to not leave any stone unturned as we hope for the best outcome of what we are expecting. I found myself in this exact position a week back and man was it gut wrenchingly stressful. Every single second my mind would wander away thinking about it and it left me unable to focus on my studying for my exam (thats in 3 months by the way). 

I realize how our minds are definitely strong just as we are but it also is quite fragile. It is so easy to let ourselves float away with anxiety and frustration when there is something really big going on in our lives. We can seek comfort in our partners but when you're by yourself it can be hard. Even with partners we can't always rely on them to make us feel better. These little battles in our minds would appear minute in someone else's view but it still does steal our peace despite being "not a big deal". 

While I fought my own anxiety, I had let myself lose focus on my other work. I started eating junk food and felt like crying sometimes because it seemed so overwhelming to me. This is when I know I need help. Not from somebody else but from myself. It comes from within because guess what no matter how much we would like someone else to fight our battles that someone else is busy with their own business. Everyone has something to figure out and I am here to help myself grow mentally, physically, spiritually. 

To be honest, listening to sermons is my go to rescue everytime I am overwhelmed, reading my holy book and just being refocused on who actually is the controller of every trivial and gigantic detail of our lives. No matter how much facts I look at, at the end of the day what brings me peace is knowing and having faith that things will work out. 

Yes, in that moment I don't even see any change but isn't that the real test of my faith. The prayers and scriptures that I say and read it all would be of no use if in the time of real test I don't have faith. 

This faith is like a calm in the midst of tornado. The contentment of knowing and acknowledging that even if I don't know the outcome that does not mean things aren't changing. This is the magic about having faith. It isn't something that is automatically instilled in me. It is something I build and I work on everyday. Mind you, the first 2 days I had anxiety attack and bouts of crying because I couldn't be any more patient. Then day 3 came when I seeked help to strength my faith. 

While sitting on my couch that same afternoon I was studying for my test. Then a little fruit of thought came in my mind. It was like I was speaking to myself and told myself that I am going to be faithful and I will be patient while this storm passes. In that very moment I got a phone call and was told that what I had been waiting for and somewhere expected it not to be "approved" for months was completed and approved in just 3 days.  

This is the power of faith.  

Dominant and Submissive. What are you?

I can't even remember the last time I was single. Right since high school i had been in love --online-- (not porn but with my boyfriend i found on facebook) then we finally met after 5 years then met again every year until we got married this year right amidst Covid in the city hall. 

I have always heard that partners are complimentary to each other. As much as I want to convince myself that it is an equal partnership I keep leaning towards the idea that its more like a dominant submissive type of relationship that's more common. While one of them is self sufficient, the other is maybe a hint more needy. Both are great as individual people but when brought together there is ONE alpha. Which one is it? Who even decides which one it is?

And its not always the man who's the alpha by the way. 

It brings about a great relationship overall but then how to avoid the feeling of "less". It can be a tricky one because if we let feelings drive our entire life it WILL be a wreck. At some point sensibility and practicality must be added. In such a relationship, the submission of the "weak link" can cause troubles just as much as the boldness of the stronger one. We are humans and we have limits. Despite all the love we both can accumulate there will be frustrating time. Screaming, yelling and saying mean things. Yes, loving each other unconditionally IS hard. 

At the end of the day, love isn't enough. There are huge scoops of multiple things needed to make and keep a relationship alive. You need to sync together without even trying, splatters of laughter and inside jokes. There's need for respect. Big one--need for space. As much as us weak link love to keep clinging onto our partners, he or she needs their space. That is not bad. That is how they are and they have been for years. Self sufficient, remember? Maybe they wouldn't want to hurt us by saying the words (well sometimes they don't even hold back) but yes, we need to start listening to the silence. 

It is a work in progress. It is love but as much as I hate to say it, it is also WORK. Nothing comes easy in this world anymore, mi amore. We gotta even work at our relationships. Stop waiting for everything that happens on your screens to happen in real life as well. I am saying it again, PEOPLE DON'T SHARE BAD THINGS HAPPENING IN THEIR LIFE ON SOCIAL MEDIA which doesn't mean BAD THINGS DONT HAPPEN. 

Guess what!!??!! Shit happens with EVERYONE and we gotta deal with it. 

Anyways coming to the submissive partner. It ain't our partners fault we feel unheard of sometimes. Honestly, it is somewhat us as well(yes, a toxic partner is not an exception-- there is a huge difference between toxic and strong partner). 

I feel the word "toxic" and "red flag" gets thrown around so easily nowadays that even the slightest thing about someone else would make us feel they're toxic. This is where deep understanding of each other comes in. Communication comes in. Accountability comes in. Acceptance comes in. Just one person cannot make a relationship work. You need each other. Doesn't matter if you have to "have the talk"  more than 10 times. 

As a person with a challenged ability to see myself as a strong person, I come off as the weaker one. I cry easily, I feel bad easily. I feel better even faster. These are qualities of me. My husband gives me all the love he has most of the time but then again he needs his space too. This is where my maturity comes in. I need to recognize his needs just as he recognizes mine. 

Then there are times, I just get sick of being told what to do all the time. It makes me think I cannot do a single damn thing without him correcting me. Thats frustrating as well! Well, he is trying to help and makes sure I don't make mistakes but sometimes when he recognizes that and let me do my thing-- well I made mistakes and got pissed at him for not giving me a heads up. Well, well, well... didn't I say--IT IS WORK!! 

At the end of the day, as the night fall comes in. The chill in the air. I don't want any anger to linger. Even if it is work, there still are great vacation days where we are just in sync. After a long, tiring day I want to sleep in our bed, peacefully together without any doubt to be somewhere else. Because guess what? When I see him, I just know he is where I belong. Do you feel belonged? 

Am I Jealous of Others Success? MAYBE.

When it is a second nature kind of thing to get inspired by others success stories is there someone else out there who gets anxious as well. Its not jealously. It is rather an unsettling feeling of the entire path I have to take to get to that end point. Am I even good enough to reach that? 

It may seem such an irrational "fear" because everyone has different journeys, different routes and different opportunities yet the feeling sometimes lingers and becomes distracting. I have my husband tell me to not worry about the things that hasn't even happened yet and to basically cross the bridge when I come to it but then my mind jumps in wondering----is my bridge even there???? 

Sometimes I can just think myself into crushing self doubt. Just then I realize that I am NOT utilizing my time well and have been spending way too much time on either Facebook or Instagram. Watching others stories and lives on my screen. Secretly wishing I also had some of the "good news" they were sharing as well. 

My life isn't even sad. Maybe I am greedy to everytime want something more and something else. Instead of being inspired by others happy days and success to being kind of discontent is what has become most peoples second nature--myself included. In all this I keep forgetting that every person sharing their success has definitely had a day where they just had fallen on their knees, maybe metaphorically and just broken down in sorrow. Well, people don't share that obviously because no one wants anyone to see them at their worst. Everyone wants to share the good things only but that doesn't mean bad things didn't happen. 

Anyways, apart from just the good old friend called Low self esteem I think it's just an idea of not actually making a difference around you while you're working towards something that may have an added impact on not feeling good enough. Its most likely because the reward of any good work is a good review. Like treating a patient or teaching a student. Basically imparting and utilizing what we know in real life. Well we can't basically show our full caliber if we aren't in the niche we are suppose to be and to get to that niche we have this huge ass road to take and then again we are back to square one. Scrolling through the phone and seeing someone who has reached that last phase and you're there in middle of preparing for the first step. Someones long journey coming to an end (i don't mean death) while you're a beginner. When would I make a real difference? 

Well no frigging idea. 

Can I stop freaking out about the whole journey and just focus on the good stuff like I don't  lack a part of my body or i have chronic pain and even worse that I don't have to go through what so many people do go through like hunger, abuse and wars.. Yes, things that goes in a head are such a first world problem. Its probably not even a real problem.