Waiting for my time

 i have spent years studying to be a doctor, working hard every day so that i can walk out in that white coat, using my skills to help a person when he or she is the most scared and nervous. the days passed and when i look back all i can remember is studying, giving exams. working my hardest to be the best i can be. there were so many hurdles on the way but nothing is as big as my own self doubt. i doubted myself everyday if i even deserved to handle human life. questioning my ability some days to an extend that i lose myself in this huge ocean of nothingness. i would continue to smile. i have everything i can ask for except that ability to practise medicine. i am still studying, 8 years later. dedicated so much of my time and my life. shed so many tears and i still feel like a failure. the fight with my mind is like a battlefield where i lose and regain my strength because at the end of the day one thing i will never do is to give up. the worst is that i see everyone i knew from last many years are helping people, making them feel better but i am stuck. i chose this path so i have no one to blame. this path of coming to another country, doing licensing exam- the whole USMLE in 2 years, gaining experience talking to people, trying to get them to like me. it is not easy. i am a stranger. there are so many things i still have to do and the thought of not being able to make it sometimes crosses my mind. God has given me and only me the chance to make myself better, accomplish myself at a stage that is a lot high than i could imagine. I by myself would even imagine to go through this if not for the circumstances. i chose this. this is hard but i chose it. it was my sole decision. i see myself, i see someone who is trying but i dont know if she is trying hard enough, i dont know if she will succeed, i dont know if this all will bring by ultimate happiness and the taste of success, if she will be a doctor. what i do know is she will work. she will figure it out despite it being so confusing at every stage. she will move on, even if its slow but she wont stop, she wont quit. i hope one day i look back to today and just laugh and say "you stupid girl, you did good"

Lust to have it all or to go for a vacation

 the driving factor in life can be multiple things. family, friends, goals and that neverending lust to have the glorious life of financial independence- freedom from debt and stress. as soon as i was born i feel all i can remember is learning. from eating to learning not to pee in bed. learn to walk and talk. talk respectfully by the way- there is a way to talk- i think this is basically reflected by how the world by that i mean people around us talk- if they yell- we think thats normal. if they cuss we think thats normal too. now 27 years later, i am still learning. there is so much left to learn and accomplish. the best or worst thing is that we need evidence. we need evidence of our success- this can be our career or anything. anything that people can see- people can see on social media. new house? car? even if we take a good vacation to Bali. these are the things people want to see to decide that yes, this person is doing well and is "successful". i can be home and successful but can be still perceived as "not doing well". its honestly all about perception. to be honest, no matter how much i deny it- perceptions are out there non-stop to get us. if not others then it can be our own. we can be our own worst enemy right. just as i said the lust to have it all will never stop. while on the path to have it all- life can sometimes be miserable. stuck in the same routine, every-single-moment-of-every-single-day. obviously because we cant take that vacation to Bali because we are either too busy or too broke. i would rather say "financially careful" than broke because lets face it some of us, if we wanted to we could take the vacation but apparently security if more important than vacations. most of us we have to decide which happiness we actually want in life- keep riding the uber or buy a car- if have a car then the fuel cost, maintenance, insurance and what not. i think this is what 20s and probably 30s are build for- we are still young so the stress is handled- not as well as we want it to but its handled. we are all basically full time carpenters. we build. we build our education, then relationships, career, houses, change career, study more. apart from the 7-8 hours we sleep i think the rest is spent in building- ah sometimes i wish i was a kid and as i wrote that i got a nervous shrill go down my spine because being a kid still means we have to grow up. cannot escape the building no matter what. 

Split between Mellenials and Gen Z

 I fall right in between the millennials and gen Z where the first one ends and latter begins. There comes in a lot of mixed up personalities and crossovers from boxed television to touch screen mobile phone, from shazam to "Hey Google". The split between mickey mouse club-house and cocomelon. Yes, even I thought I might have added the flying cars but not yet, we are in electric cars that still runs on road. It's a trend right now. What baffles me is that we always think that changes in the world would be forward but I am here to tell you it's not like that. There is huge confusion between being confident and plain rude, apparently savage is a thing thats pretty cool now. Also if you keep posting on internet about what you eat and wear, you would eventually earn thousands of dollars!! It does make sense because we are all surviving on our phones and laptops and reels are the biggest mode of entertainment. I am not going to lie but the rage in me that I studied 8 years for medical degree and still make less money is real. I guess its a good time to add social influencer as an arguably interesting career path. well, I leave that decision up to you. Certainly, 10 years back I did not think this was even a choice but now it is. So is veganism, "work from home", a well furnished 4 bedroom house in suburbs is around a million dollars plus tax. As a kid I thought the basic needs in life was food water shelter and clothing but no one told me they were all going to be expensive and most of us will work long hours in fields that doesn't even interest us to get these basic needs. I do think mobile phone with access to internet is another need that needs to be added in the updated version of our needs. Somehow, we still manage to move forward in technology, not so much in humanity. It's a soft spot for argument but as a personal opinion I think we take 3 steps forward in technology and 5 steps backward in kindness. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who are kind, now question is that are these for actual goodness or views?

Baby Boo and I--two

Why does it still feel unreal. I want you but what about the overwhelming motherly feelings I am suppose to be empowered with? Where is it? I am little confused because does this mean like I am not ready or what. Well that won't even mean much if I am or I am not ready because the reality is that you are there and you are coming soon. I have a lot of things to get done so that I am ready to enjoy my time with you. I really don't know why I do this to myself. It's like a set of to-do list I have in my head and once that is done then and then only would I be able to enjoy my life and my time--fully satisfied otherwise there is a looming undeserving emotion attached to me. 

Although, the reality is that we will always have something to do. There is always something left to be done because that's what life is all about, as time passes comes along some work to be done otherwise we will be bored as heck. There is two ways we can take this; one, with days full of stress and tiredness and frustration of the things we have to do and completely forget about enjoying our time and life and being unhappy, unsatisfied and cruel to ourselves or two; take one day at a time, get things done as we come across them, appreciate ourselves for everything accomplished and move on taking new adventures, learning from it and treating ourselves with love and respect we truly deserve. 

With a new baby growing inside me, yes, I am a tad bit more under pressure to accomplish my goals but I have to be realistic and real with my priorities. Everything changes with time and now baby Boo is my priority, he/she deserves stress-free space in my body to grow and develop in and come to this world healthy and happy and fulfilled. Meanwhile, I have to be kind to myself and not put myself under so much pressure of getting things done. I feel, I do not give myself enough credit of how hardworking I am. I will from now start to give myself that credit and appreciate my growth that is actually through my own hardwork and dedication. I am a proud woman and soon a proud momma. 

Baby Boo and I --one

 i knew it had happened but i just wanted to give myself sometime off before i could expose myself to this life changing event. finally took the test and it came back positive and there was the evidence. you had started to grow inside me. what an overwhelming emotion took over me. with everything else like work studying going on and now there is you. everything else automatically has to become a later priority. a enhanced motivation to be better for you ignited inside me. i  will have you at a blink of an eye and all responsibility will not double but triple and quadriple. for myself, i always felt someone who is still "kid-like" i guess that time is done now and we gotta grow up because time is moving and it is moving fast. everything is changing and i am scared but i know your daddy will be the most helpful and sweetest one through this and get me through this. these 9 months i hope i can grow enough so that i am good enough for you. 

My Diary part 4- He is Not Just a Husband, She is not just a Mother

 Everytime I look back into my life, I see sacrifice. I see sacrifices made by my mother and my father. Today,  I see sacrifices made by my husband. All these to give me a better life. To fulfill what I need in life. The selfless love, that is so overwhelming, without any benefit of their own. This is what drives me today. To make my life extraordinary. I have been given too much to return little back. This is what helps me move ahead and be upfront with what I want to achieve in life, to build an empire. An empire where for someone else's dreams another doesn't have to sacrifice their own joy. Where generational compromises come to an end. An end to the life of mediocrity and to the start of prosperity. Nothing comes in easy so today, I may just think about what I want but tomorrow or a year from now I will be closer to my goal. 

Most of us out here aren't lucky enough to be a TV personality, Youtube star or a soccer player who make millions with their effort and skills. We are ordinary people who work day in and out to make ends meet. To save that extra $50 we don't go out every weekend. We work and budget to survive. Every bill paid, every expense is well calculated. We are people who sweep streets, we sell flowers on the roadside. We work and we study as well. We do volunteer job to gain experience. We settle for a 9-5 because it keeps our family safe. It provides health coverage. We are not scared of life but we are not selfish to make ourselves the first priority. The safety net can fail anytime and the entire weight of our family, your family falls on those shoulders of a husband, a father, a mother, a brother. The ones who goes out to hustle every morning. Taking those extra shifts to make extra bucks to buy those skateboard or pay the school fee or arrange for his sisters wedding. To pay off those student loans, to afford to buy a second hand car. 

Life is full of compromises and sacrifices for so many of us. We give up on what we really want because we have to fulfill the need of not just us but our family as well. He puts a pause on his plans to start a business because his family needs his monthly salary so they can still have a house. She avoids every outing with her friends because it would mean extra expense. They work hard in silence, without complaints and with blink of an eye, years pass by. 

How long does the sacrifice for us ordinary people last. How long will it take us to get out of this race and be peaceful. How long will it take us to transit from ordinary to extraordinary? We don't really know because every person is not Mark.Z but every other one is a just Mark who works for his family, a Sarah who studies and works to make life better for her family. We can hope for miracle and hope that as time goes by things will get easier. When exactly? No one knows but one day for sure. Till then, the hustle will continue. 

PS; my warmest hug and respect goes out to every person out there who works every day for long hours in heat and cold to make money to support their family. For every person who sacrificed their youth, their peace and their dreams to make dreams of their spouse and child and family come true. You are not ordinary, You are rare and You are appreciated. 

My Diary Part 3- Out of my comfort zone.

 I venture out of my comfort zone. What is exactly my comfort zone-- it is kind of something I define by myself and it goes as; Comfort zone is anywhere I know what my plans are, I have clarity on what would happen in my life, there is a routine, there is consistency and there are NO CHANGES. I have such as bad time adjusting to changes even if it's just the set up of my living room, I don't do well with changes. Coming out of that zone where I could control so many aspects of my life to a new country as immigrant and setting off to a new journey with so many uncertainties is truly scary. Things can go my way or it can go into hundreds or thousands of new direction and all wouldn't be what I like or what I want. This is what I mean when I am out of my comfort zone and every immigrant faces this. This is like the plunge of faith we take when we move from one country to another and restart life. This country, a new one and is so refreshing but guess who doesn't do well with changes? YEP, thats me!! 

It is one of the hardest decisions to make when you are doing well for yourself at one place and then you want to move and find better opportunities, take the risk and reinvent yourself. I truly applaud people who have the courage to do this because not everyone is cut out to do so, not everyone want to leave their comfort zone. People are comfortable in their routine, they are comfortable knowing that if something goes wrong at least they are in their own house, they have family around to help and they know every single person in their town who would help. 

Yesterday, I started working at a research department at a hospital in Massachusetts. I met almost 20 new people. Everyone is different, everyone speaks different, their accent is different, their mannerism are different. I am in middle of a learning curve and I have been surrounded by so many people who are new and different. It can be scary for someone who doesn't do well with changes and then I also get the fine opportunity to see the life of my friends who were on same path as me-- study medicine, becomes doctors, travel, and buy a car and house and after 2 years of internship live the best life. I made a choice and left this path. I wanted more. I wanted to be a doctor in the USA. I chose to go through more studying, exams, research work, clinical volunteering and hopefully end up in residency in the usa which is a long, somewhat tiring path. People ask me, how I am coping in a new country. My answer is I am too busy. I am too busy to acknowledge that I am in a new country, too busy to ponder over the fact that I am stranger to so many things. It sometimes bothers me that so many things aren't under my control but at the end of the day, I chose this path. This can become the best decision I made about my life and only time will show where I end up. Immigrant life is a choice that only some people choose, this life can be best or worst and no one will ever know until they're on their journeys. At the same time with the busy schedule, few part time jobs, volunteer work and exams sometimes, I pause. I pause and look around of the place I have reached. I pause, breath and appreciate myself for pushing myself to become better, to want more and to explore more. I appreciate my body and my mind to wake up everyday and instead of complaining we look forward to the day, we work hard and we make things happen for ourselves. 

Also, there is always always always room to help someone else.