Waiting for my time

 i have spent years studying to be a doctor, working hard every day so that i can walk out in that white coat, using my skills to help a person when he or she is the most scared and nervous. the days passed and when i look back all i can remember is studying, giving exams. working my hardest to be the best i can be. there were so many hurdles on the way but nothing is as big as my own self doubt. i doubted myself everyday if i even deserved to handle human life. questioning my ability some days to an extend that i lose myself in this huge ocean of nothingness. i would continue to smile. i have everything i can ask for except that ability to practise medicine. i am still studying, 8 years later. dedicated so much of my time and my life. shed so many tears and i still feel like a failure. the fight with my mind is like a battlefield where i lose and regain my strength because at the end of the day one thing i will never do is to give up. the worst is that i see everyone i knew from last many years are helping people, making them feel better but i am stuck. i chose this path so i have no one to blame. this path of coming to another country, doing licensing exam- the whole USMLE in 2 years, gaining experience talking to people, trying to get them to like me. it is not easy. i am a stranger. there are so many things i still have to do and the thought of not being able to make it sometimes crosses my mind. God has given me and only me the chance to make myself better, accomplish myself at a stage that is a lot high than i could imagine. I by myself would even imagine to go through this if not for the circumstances. i chose this. this is hard but i chose it. it was my sole decision. i see myself, i see someone who is trying but i dont know if she is trying hard enough, i dont know if she will succeed, i dont know if this all will bring by ultimate happiness and the taste of success, if she will be a doctor. what i do know is she will work. she will figure it out despite it being so confusing at every stage. she will move on, even if its slow but she wont stop, she wont quit. i hope one day i look back to today and just laugh and say "you stupid girl, you did good"

Lust to have it all or to go for a vacation

 the driving factor in life can be multiple things. family, friends, goals and that neverending lust to have the glorious life of financial independence- freedom from debt and stress. as soon as i was born i feel all i can remember is learning. from eating to learning not to pee in bed. learn to walk and talk. talk respectfully by the way- there is a way to talk- i think this is basically reflected by how the world by that i mean people around us talk- if they yell- we think thats normal. if they cuss we think thats normal too. now 27 years later, i am still learning. there is so much left to learn and accomplish. the best or worst thing is that we need evidence. we need evidence of our success- this can be our career or anything. anything that people can see- people can see on social media. new house? car? even if we take a good vacation to Bali. these are the things people want to see to decide that yes, this person is doing well and is "successful". i can be home and successful but can be still perceived as "not doing well". its honestly all about perception. to be honest, no matter how much i deny it- perceptions are out there non-stop to get us. if not others then it can be our own. we can be our own worst enemy right. just as i said the lust to have it all will never stop. while on the path to have it all- life can sometimes be miserable. stuck in the same routine, every-single-moment-of-every-single-day. obviously because we cant take that vacation to Bali because we are either too busy or too broke. i would rather say "financially careful" than broke because lets face it some of us, if we wanted to we could take the vacation but apparently security if more important than vacations. most of us we have to decide which happiness we actually want in life- keep riding the uber or buy a car- if have a car then the fuel cost, maintenance, insurance and what not. i think this is what 20s and probably 30s are build for- we are still young so the stress is handled- not as well as we want it to but its handled. we are all basically full time carpenters. we build. we build our education, then relationships, career, houses, change career, study more. apart from the 7-8 hours we sleep i think the rest is spent in building- ah sometimes i wish i was a kid and as i wrote that i got a nervous shrill go down my spine because being a kid still means we have to grow up. cannot escape the building no matter what. 

Split between Mellenials and Gen Z

 I fall right in between the millennials and gen Z where the first one ends and latter begins. There comes in a lot of mixed up personalities and crossovers from boxed television to touch screen mobile phone, from shazam to "Hey Google". The split between mickey mouse club-house and cocomelon. Yes, even I thought I might have added the flying cars but not yet, we are in electric cars that still runs on road. It's a trend right now. What baffles me is that we always think that changes in the world would be forward but I am here to tell you it's not like that. There is huge confusion between being confident and plain rude, apparently savage is a thing thats pretty cool now. Also if you keep posting on internet about what you eat and wear, you would eventually earn thousands of dollars!! It does make sense because we are all surviving on our phones and laptops and reels are the biggest mode of entertainment. I am not going to lie but the rage in me that I studied 8 years for medical degree and still make less money is real. I guess its a good time to add social influencer as an arguably interesting career path. well, I leave that decision up to you. Certainly, 10 years back I did not think this was even a choice but now it is. So is veganism, "work from home", a well furnished 4 bedroom house in suburbs is around a million dollars plus tax. As a kid I thought the basic needs in life was food water shelter and clothing but no one told me they were all going to be expensive and most of us will work long hours in fields that doesn't even interest us to get these basic needs. I do think mobile phone with access to internet is another need that needs to be added in the updated version of our needs. Somehow, we still manage to move forward in technology, not so much in humanity. It's a soft spot for argument but as a personal opinion I think we take 3 steps forward in technology and 5 steps backward in kindness. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who are kind, now question is that are these for actual goodness or views?