Waiting for my time

 i have spent years studying to be a doctor, working hard every day so that i can walk out in that white coat, using my skills to help a person when he or she is the most scared and nervous. the days passed and when i look back all i can remember is studying, giving exams. working my hardest to be the best i can be. there were so many hurdles on the way but nothing is as big as my own self doubt. i doubted myself everyday if i even deserved to handle human life. questioning my ability some days to an extend that i lose myself in this huge ocean of nothingness. i would continue to smile. i have everything i can ask for except that ability to practise medicine. i am still studying, 8 years later. dedicated so much of my time and my life. shed so many tears and i still feel like a failure. the fight with my mind is like a battlefield where i lose and regain my strength because at the end of the day one thing i will never do is to give up. the worst is that i see everyone i knew from last many years are helping people, making them feel better but i am stuck. i chose this path so i have no one to blame. this path of coming to another country, doing licensing exam- the whole USMLE in 2 years, gaining experience talking to people, trying to get them to like me. it is not easy. i am a stranger. there are so many things i still have to do and the thought of not being able to make it sometimes crosses my mind. God has given me and only me the chance to make myself better, accomplish myself at a stage that is a lot high than i could imagine. I by myself would even imagine to go through this if not for the circumstances. i chose this. this is hard but i chose it. it was my sole decision. i see myself, i see someone who is trying but i dont know if she is trying hard enough, i dont know if she will succeed, i dont know if this all will bring by ultimate happiness and the taste of success, if she will be a doctor. what i do know is she will work. she will figure it out despite it being so confusing at every stage. she will move on, even if its slow but she wont stop, she wont quit. i hope one day i look back to today and just laugh and say "you stupid girl, you did good"